In this post I am answering a question from a survivor.

How can I know when I "should" put others first and when is it OK to put myself "first"? My ex-husband constantly told me I was selfish. I feel guilty a lot. What is selfish and what isn't?

It's so common to feel we are being selfish, especially if we’ve been told we are over and over by someone we trusted like our husband.

True unselfishness comes not from obligation, guilt, or trying to be liked by others, but from generosity that comes out of being solid in yourself, valuing yourself, feeling like you are enough, and having enough of your "self" to give from.

So the answer to the question isn't in defining what a “selfish” and “unselfish” behavior is per se, but in healing.

The most important questions to ask are “Is it healthy for me,” and “How is my body and my nervous system reacting to me doing this?” not “Is this selfishness?” or “Would others think I’m selfish if I don’t do this?”

While we are in the process of healing it’s OK to err on the side of what "feels" selfish because we have given and given way too much. It will feel uncomfortable to take care of ourselves. And it will bring up FALSE guilt.

What might be selfish for someone else may not be selfish for you – it depends on your resources – both internal and external.

While we are recovering from abuse, we have little extra emotional strength so helping others can take too much out of us.

But someone with a healthy childhood and healthy marriage has reservoirs of emotional strength to give from.

Why do we struggle with false guilt and feeling selfish?

As abuse survivors we have certain traits that are much stronger in us than in other people. Because these traits are so strong in us, we can be extremely oversensitive to feeling like we are being selfish.

These are the beautiful traits that make us wonderful friends, but abusers and manipulators use against these us; traits like being very loving, caring, compassionate, empathic, committed, hardworking in relationships and many more.

Unfortunately, these traits make us feel that being a people-pleaser and taking care of others is normal and “right.”

And they make us susceptible to being easily guilted by others and even ourselves.

Also, since we have trauma (from our marriage or our childhood, or both) we also may have a tendency to go into the “fawn” response to survive. Being guilt tripped or accused, or even the fear of someone disapproving of us, can send us into survival mode.

How do we heal?

Some of the work involved in healing is to:
• see when following your strong traits makes trouble for you
• work on tolerating others disapproval of you
• healing your “fawn” trauma survival response
• healing your relationship with yourself
• know when God is leading you to do something for someone else

Healing your relationship with yourself is the most vital and powerful thing you can do.

This is how you will know your value, stop operating out of false guilt, and be confident that you can take care of yourself so well that you'll know when you have something to give to others.

This is a big part of the guided healing journey in my Arise Healing Community.

When it’s God’s idea to help another, it’s healthy for you. God doesn’t want you doing things for others at the expense of yourself. And He knows what your capacities are.

Two years after my divorce I ended up seriously sick in bed for a year, so I stopped being online and supporting abused women. I was being wise, not selfish, because I needed to take care of myself. And when I started up again, I was careful to pay attention to whether it was nourishing me or draining me.

Selfishness is an individual thing.

There are many millionaires and billionaires who are not giving it away or using it to help our suffering world. That is pure selfishness. They have more than they will ever need.

But if you are struggling to make ends meet, or trying to save for your kid’s college, or running on empty because of the emotional devastation of abuse, then not donating money or doing things for others isn’t selfishness, it’s taking necessary care of yourself.