“I feel so guilty about the spiritual state of my children. They are prodigals who have turned away from God because of the abuse by their dad, the church’s attitude toward me, and all the lies they learned about God in the church. I feel like I failed my kids. I’m grieving and so afraid for them”

What do we do when we are brokenhearted and afraid for our kids who have turned away from God because of abuse?

We start by sorting out which parts of our pain and fear are coming from false guilt and from false beliefs about God. This can help bring clarity and relieve us of some of this pain.

Here’s the truth: the spiritual state of your children is because:
~ they were raised by a hypocritical abuser who pretended to be a Christian
~ your church distorted your kid’s view of God
~ your church failed you when you needed help to get free from abuse.

The guilt and responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of their father and the church.

As survivors of abuse we tend to take on false guilt, and the enemy is constantly hurling thoughts of self-blame at us saying we should have done this or that differently. But we have to see it for what it is – lies and FALSE guilt.

You didn’t turn your children away from God, and you need to put the responsibility firmly on those who did- their dad, and the people in the church who were teaching a counterfeit Christianity.
It’s not your fault.
Its OK to feel mad and betrayed.

If you can’t get yourself out of self-blame and guilt then you could definitely use the clarity and concrete help available in my Arise Healing Community.

I’m so afraid for my kids

Let’s take a look at some things that might be behind your concern.

So many of us have been in churches that teach fear-mongering, legalistic doctrines that say that if a person doesn’t check off certain boxes then they are out of God’s love and care, or even salvation.

We need to think about these doctrines carefully when they don’t reflect the character of God- that He is both loving and just.

Kids raised by dads who psychologically and emotionally abuse them, or by abusive pastor dads, or by dads who sexually abuse them, or dads who use the Bible to justify their power and control over them, are not going to hell for turning away from the false, cruel god their dad showed them.

Don’t you think God’s thinking “No wonder they turned away from the church. No wonder they don’t trust Me. No wonder they are questioning everything. At least they are being honest instead of faking it.”

God knows exactly what your kids have gone through and all the lies and hypocrisy they’ve been exposed to.

He knows their struggles and pain as well as what is deep in their heart, which most likely is a desire for a loving God, not the counterfeit one represented to them by their dad and church.

Turning away from this unloving god is different from turning away from our real God. It’s always healthy to reject this cruel, abusive God. We all need to before we can find the true Jesus. If your kids are saying, “I don’t want to be like the church or dad,” that’s good!

God understands and hates spiritual abuse more than we do.
He hates how the church fails us and our kids.
He will hold the hypocritical church leaders responsible for what they did to our kids (and us).
Just look at what Jesus called the religious leaders of His day, “brood of vipers,” “sons of the devil.”

If you are living with fear and grief that your kids are going to hell, that breaks my heart.
Hell is for evil people.

Because our churches are ignorant about evil, they use scriptures directed at evil people against the wounded and weak, and that’s us and our hurting kids.

The Bible tells us that eternity with God will be full of those from the “byways,” that “the first shall be last,” and that we’ll be surprised at who’s there.

Remember, God’s heart is more for your kids than you know, or that the legalistic doctrines will ever tell you.

God hasn’t turned away from them.

And He’s loving and just.

He knows about the abuse, and the church system that turned their hearts away and He’s not going to punish our kids for things done to them.

He knows they are making decisions because of their trauma, scrambled brain, and emotional injuries from the harm done to them.

Are your kids really “prodigals?”

We’ve been taught to label our struggling, hurt kids as “prodigals,” but that puts the problem on them instead of on the reason they rejected God- that they were driven away from Him by others.

Unfortunately, all most churches have to offer the suffering is, “You’re either in or out,” “Shape up and fit in or you’re backslidden.”

The prodigal son was actually entitled and selfish.
Nowhere does Jesus say that he was wounded.

Your children are wounded, suffering, and traumatized (whether they know it or not), and have rightfully rejected a hurtful, unloving church.

What you can do is:

~ Rethink your “prodigal” label so you can be a loving reflection of God’s love and grace to them.

~ See how your perspective has been warped by the legalistic teachings that our kids are saved by obedience rather than by God’s grace.

~ Get to know who Jesus really is and look carefully at your belief system to see if it reflects a loving Jesus

~ Pray for Him to show you who He is. He’s so faithful to answer this prayer.

So how should I relate to my kids?

~ Listen to them. Has your belief system unintentionally put you in a place where you can’t hear their hearts?

All healthy relationships need openness, safety, honesty, and respect, so apply that to your kids.

Throw out your doctrines and just be with them as people.

Sometimes our kids see the hypocrisy in the church more clearly or sooner than we do and are just being honest about it.
If we react with fear and judgment it can cause a breach in our relationship. But if we can listen and be open to their perspective, it can be a gift that causes our relationship to grow.

When my son was a teenager he told me that he was changing in ways that might scare me.
So I asked him what was going on.

He told me that his eyes were opening to the legalism, fundamentalist teachings, and all the garbage I didn’t realize were lies when I’d raised him to believe them.

I just listened with an open heart and I found myself saying “You’re right! I hadn’t seen that before.”

Over time, and with many discussions where I listened to him, my son’s perspective helped me get free of legalism and get me out of fundamentalism. I am so grateful to him for that.

Your kids may help you grow too.

~ Let go of your fear and judging them as prodigals and see them as wounded.
If you are in fear that they aren’t saved, or in your heart you are judging them as prodigals, that will affect your relationship.

It feels like grief and concern to you, but to them it feels like being judged, controlled, and you having an agenda for them, and that breaks relationship.

~ Love them and be compassionate towards them rather than being afraid for them.
You can ask God to help you see your kids the way He does. If you think God feels condemnation and judgement toward them, that’s a red flag that you need to find the real Jesus.

~ Rather than praying from fear, pray from compassion and love, and pray that they would find the real Jesus, that Jesus would make Himself real to them, and Jesus would help you reflect Him to them.

~ Be honest with yourself about whether your belief system is turning your love towards them into a transactional commodity which says that you will love your child more if they are following the Lord. That’s conditional love and they can feel it.

It is the LOVE of Christ that draws us and even though it’s not your burden to get your children “saved,” you do have a chance to be that love.

’Tis that look that melted Peter,
’Tis that face that Stephen saw,
’Tis that heart that wept with Mary,
Can alone from idols draw.
~ Old Hymn

~ If you feel like there’s a breach in your relationship, can you sit down and talk with them about it? Can you apologize for your fear and even judging them (if that’s true)?

~ Can you talk with them about how the church failed you and them and what it should have done, that the church doesn’t represent God, and how betrayed you felt by the church also?

~ Can you talk with them about wolves in sheep’s clothing, that God warned us these people would be in the church, and that God hates that?

Parenting is being in a loving relationship with our kids, not trying to get them saved- that’s the Holy Spirit’s business.