There’s no doubt that communicating with a covert abuser is one of the most confusing things we deal with. All. Day. Long.

As I talk about in my article on Identifying Covert Abuse Tactics, most psychological abuse tactics focus on communication- blame shifting, word salad, gaslighting, rewriting history, diversion, turning others against you, and on and on.

IT’S CRAZY-MAKING!

I’m often asked, “How can I communicate with my narcissist husband?”  To know how, you first need to understand a few things…

What’s really going on?

The first thing you need to wrap your head around is the fact that an abuser has very different goals than you do when talking with you.

Your goal is to communicate; to be heard and to get clarity and reach a resolution through understanding and common ground.

You want to be honest, integrous, clear, and genuine, as a good wife is.

We approach conversations with wide-eyed honesty and respect for others, seeking to collaborate to make life work. Abusers do not.

His goal is totally different. His goal is competition not communication.

He wants to manipulate you, to covertly control you, to confuse you, and to win.

He uses words as weapons, tools, and tactics.

It may be through lying, hiding some important piece of information, playing with your mind, trying to get you to take responsibility, misrepresenting you to someone else, or other tactics.

So right off the bat you have to remember this when talking with him: "Abandon all hope of ever being heard."

Understanding this is empowering and heartbreaking at the same time.

And yes, this really hard to face because what abusers are doing is so foreign to an honest and healthy person's mind. But you have to remember that he’s character disordered which means he’s very different from you inside.

Facing the reality of who he is helps you understand how to communicate with him.

So what on earth do we do?

Because he’s using words as abuse tactics, learning how to respond and be shrewd with your words and reactions is very empowering.

Seek clarity

First, focus on getting clarity about who he is and what his goals are by doing your best to be neutral and observe what he is doing. Think of yourself as a detective rather than participant.

Clarity will come when you understand what an abuser is looking for. Often called “supply,” abusers are looking for an emotional response from you. They interpret this as attention. And we all know how much they love attention, to be the center of the universe, and to use up all the air in the room.

They intentionally provoke us into emotional reactions because when we are in that state, we can’t see things clearly. They want us in that foggy and confused state.

Unlike you, who wants loving attention in a healthy way, an abuser considers your emotional reactions the most satisfying kind of attention. When you fight with him, when you’re triggered, when you react with pain, frustration, anger or shutting down, or submission and fear, they feel satisfied and like they’ve won.

Remember he is intentionally trying to provoke you into a reaction- that’s how he feels he wins. And when you react, he can blame EVERYTHING on you:
    “She’s out of control.”
    “She’s immature.”
    “She’s irrational.”
    “She doesn’t have faith.”
    “She is mean and angry.”
    “She’s impossible.

Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt and projecting your good qualities onto him

Part of getting clarity involves not giving him the benefit of the doubt or projecting your good qualities onto him. That mean no longer assuming that “he didn’t mean it,” “he can’t help it,” “he’s just wounded,” “if I explain myself better he will get it,” etc.

It’s painful and life-shattering, and it can even feel mean and “unChristian,” but facing who he is and what motivates him is essential to understanding how to communicate with him.

It’s hard, but you need to get yourself out of “wife-mode” and into “taking care of yourself” mode.

Learn techniques for not reacting

The commonly talked about techniques with dealing with a narcissist are greyrocking, and to never JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.)

You can learn all about these and other techniques (and how to specifically apply them to your life) in the Boundaries Teaching in the Arise Healing Community.

But because we are dealing with a sly, conniving, scheming, skilled con man who uses words weapons, we often find that just setting boundaries only escalates abuse and brings more pain and confusion. In fact, I write about the common myths about boundaries here in this free download.

Nonetheless, it’s important to stop reacting emotionally and to stop taking things he says personally. This is very challenging because it is so triggering to be in these confusing, abusive conversations where you are being set up in no-win situations. And when you are triggered, your emotions take over. In Arise you will learn effective tools for lessening your reactions and triggers.

Since your goal isn’t to escalate abuse but to stop it, read on (and join the Arise Healing Community.)

Learn to be shrewd

“Be shrewd as a serpent, yet innocent as a dove.” Matthew 10:16

Never disclose any emotional or personal information. He will use anything and everything you share about your feelings, thoughts, needs, and hurts against you.

I know how hard it is to change how you relate to the man who is supposed to be your husband, but an abuser isn’t a “husband,” he’s actually not on your side.

Try to not respond in the moment.

Just waiting an hour or day can give you space to decide how to respond. “I’ll think about that,” or “I’ll let you know,” are legitimate responses. You might have to be a broken record and say these over and over, or leave the room. And remember, that this may increase his retaliation.

Don’t argue and try logic to get your point across

When you try to be logical and defend your point, you are giving him information on what’s important to you and how to confuse and frustrate you. You can never win an argument because he loves to debate and draw you into circular arguments. This gives him “supply” which you want to cut off.

Remember that they lie.

If you ask an alcoholic who is not in recovery if they're still drinking and they don't have a glass in their hand at the time, they'll say, "No. I'm not drinking."  Then we assume they mean "anymore,” when they actually mean, "I'm not drinking right now, duh!"

An abuser will also lie so it helps to stop believing the words that come out of his mouth and look only at his actions, his body language, and how you feel when you are around him.

Tense muscles, a pit in your stomach, exhaustion, anxiety, and feeling stressed out are all important messages from your body that you are not safe. They are rooted in your body’s reaction to the trauma you are experiencing from the marriage.

Prepare for his backlash

He might accuse you of being unloving, cold, stubborn unsubmissive, or all sorts of other things. Keep reminding yourself that he is saying that because he is not getting his way, to manipulate you into capitulating or revealing something he can use against you, and there is no truth to his words.

Expect that he will try new tactics. He may become more covert or he may become more overt and even show the underlying anger and contempt he feels for you. Or he may try to love bomb you and remind you of what a loving husband and father he is.

You may see a much clearer picture of who he is when his tactics stop working on you as much, especially if he drops his sheep’s clothing and you get a glimpse of the wolf, the true him.

Document

Whenever possible communicate in text or emails or write down agreements in his presence. It can be very helpful to save these so you can go back and analyze everything to help get clarity on his tactics and manipulations.

Another reason this is so helpful is that abusers like to move the goal posts, claim they didn’t agree to something, rewrite history, accuse you of misremembering etc. so written documentation can really help.

Learn advanced techniques for communicating with an abuser

One advanced technique is the “Yes Game.”

Try saying "yes" to his requests, along with adding your terms to that yes. For example, you could say, "Yes, we can talk at some point, but I'm not sure when yet. I need time to process. "
"Yes, I'll consider that, if (or when) ___(your terms go here)__."

A yes answer confounds an abuser because he’s trying to provoke you into some kind of emotional response. When you calmly say, “Yes, I'll consider ...” they don't have any way of getting through that boundary/barrier or accusing you of being unreasonable because you're agreeable.

Anther tip is to mirror him. For instance if he sends you an emoji, use the same one back. A different one will feel like competition to them. (It’s so stupid you never could have guessed that, right? That’s why it so important to understand how warped their perspective is and how you can’t treat them like everyone else and need to be shrewd.)

In the Arise Healing Community, you can learn advanced techniques for communicating with an abuser that can shut him down and, in some cases, take away his power. You can also learn ways to mitigate the narrative he is telling everyone to create a smear campaign against you.

Your Arise sisters can help you figure out what to say, which is so helpful because you will often be triggered and confused in these moments.

Imagine being able to process what to say with women who understand what's going on and aren't triggered like you are.

As one Arise member says, “Because I was able to play this “word game” well, not only have I stayed clear of getting into any real problems with him, but I've also been able to influence his ability to tell other people stories about me. I'm controlling my own narrative and how I ‘show up’ and they can see that I'm different than what my ex has described.”

Remember words are the battleground of the fight we never wanted or expected.

We married for peace and security and intimacy. He married to create a war he would win.

Ultimately, the most helpful thing you can do to get clarity is to get away from him as soon as possible (if possible) because he is causing the confusion. Of the hundreds of women, I have worked with, every one has said that being separated helped clear the fog and bring clarity.