I recently asked the abuse survivors in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook Community the following question:

How did your church/pastor respond to you when you talked with them about your husband abusing you?

In my last article women shared some examples of spiritual abuse in action, followed by some advice. In this article, I’m sharing some women’s positive experiences so you know what you should be expecting from your church and pastor.

This is Part Eleven of the Survivor Wisdom Series. Here are the other articles in the series:

Part One: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Marriage
Part Two: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Divorce and Dealing with Others
Part Three: How I Realized My Abuser Would Never Change
Part Four: Tips if You’re Still Wondering if Your Abuser Will Change
Part Five: How I Realized His Abuse Was Intentional
Part Six: Why I Stayed
Part Seven: How I knew It was Time to Separate
Part Eight: How God Guided Me to Divorce
Part Nine: How Divorce Made My Life Better
Part Ten: Seeing Spiritual Abuse

Here are their positive experiences:

My church was not spiritually abusive at all. My pastors were amazing. They supported me practically, emotionally, financially. Led by the top, the whole church surrounded me with love and care.

My pastor encouraged me to leave him and was supportive when I did. He checked to make sure I was OK. But he told me that I wouldn't be able to marry again. He also warned me that some in the church may look down on me. Several months later, he came to me and apologized and said that he has been studying it and he changed his mind. He believes woman leaving abuse and divorcing can marry again.

I recently met with a group of spiritual people and they prayed and told me that if I continued to hang on to my marriage and family that it would destroy me. My pastor and pastor’s wife supported me in separating. We are divorced. I’m totally supported by church.

I never really had contact with the main pastor but instead with the Community Care Pastor. He saw my ex's temper in action after he tried to falsely accuse our counselors. I had him as an ally after that.

I didn’t go to my church but felt my church came to me. I was in a period of discernment; really struggling and ask God for a clear message. The minister of my church preached on divorce and specifically about the steps he recommended– call it out, seek counsel, go to the church, then separate yourself. I had called it out, been in marriage counseling for 16 months and now the church had come to me. I feel at spiritual peace about my decision to divorce.

My pastor was super supportive and showed how in the Bible I was free to move forward. He prayed with and for me. I learned the Bible does not say you have to stay in a marriage no matter what. I moved forward feeling God supported me. I should add he’s a certified Christian counselor very trustworthy and very reputable.

I went to our priest for advice. He knew me somewhat and had known my husband most of his life. He told me God did not intend for me to suffer abuse in marriage. He told me, “You need to live separately.” He did not tell me to divorce as that is a legal contract and the Catholic church cannot say to get a divorce. He said if I needed legal help I should speak to an attorney. He also told me that if you live separately then you are still married in the eyes of the Catholic Church until an annulment can be granted.
This priest is older and did not make any assumptions of any kind but he knew my husband had drug, alcohol and sex addiction problems and that I had stayed and tried to work on things. He helped my husband get into rehab once and he wouldn’t do it again. I had support of my priest and I knew where I stood.

My pastor told me he did not have the knowledge or skills to help me. Which I appreciated at some level, that he didn’t pretend when he didn’t know.

My pastors are a husband and wife. I spoke to the wife personally when I left for several weeks and explained why I did so. She was supportive and listened. She never criticized me or made me feel bad for making a tough choice. She was compassionate and caring and I know she and her husband prayed for me and the situation. I am sure if I was at my previous church I wouldn’t have shared or I wouldn’t have received the unconditional love I did in my current church. I am thankful for them.

When I explained the way my ex was acting, the husband-and-wife pastors were quick to identify my ex-husband’s behaviour as abusive. They immediately offered practical help, such as coming to church to charge my phone and make private calls. They have preached about what the Bible says about divorce and remarriage, including the provision for women that divorce created. I have been loved every step of the way. You won’t be surprised to know that other abuse survivors have found a safe home in this church.

If your church or pastor responds to you with anything less than support, love, concern, and offers of help, you have every right to find a church that will respond correctly.

If your church responds with spiritually abusive lies and demands, run in other direction as fast as you can! You deserve support and help.