We’ve had a discussion in our Confusion to Clarity Facebook Support Group that I wanted to share with you.

A member asked this question:

Did any of you naively think your husband would be amicable and cooperative when you split?
If so what did you learn, and what would you do over again if you could know better?

And here are the answers, learned the hard way. I hope they will help you prepare for what might come your way when you divorce your abuser.

We believed the best

My counselor told me my husband would get really ugly. I didn't believe him, but he was right.

I naively thought that. It’s been anything but.

HUGE, GIANT, GINORMOUS, GARGANTUAN YESSSSS!!!!! I underestimated him and still do CONSTANTLY!!!!

Yes. I was so hopeful he’d do the decent thing. I was shocked by his aggressiveness and I was so unprepared. It turned out okay in the end but wow was that intense and traumatic.

My soon-to-be-ex LOVES the word amicable- as long as I do it HIS way.

Mine actually was. Because he got more $$ from me in the divorce settlement by being amicable.

I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea the lines he would un-apologetically cross. I have learned how naive I have been.

Yes. I thought he’d ask for me back but instead he used everything he could to project his evil on me and paint me as crazy.

Yes. I was naive and got a rude awakening. Thankfully he showed his cards early.

I constantly assumed he would do the right thing. Now I know better.

Mine was like a “miracle change” – kind, helpful, even his voice had this hypnotic gentle tone after 30 years of raging yelling. For months. I watched and waited and continued with my life. We were friendly. But when he finally saw his act wasn’t getting him what he wanted, the ugly came back full force.

For a hot minute, but I wised up pretty quickly!

Mine was ok during the divorce process (I settled big time and basically bought my freedom). Now though - 7 months post divorce he is realizing he can't control us anymore and it is something else.

What we learned the hard way

I signed an agreement with my ex that he wrote himself. I did it without an attorney. I’ve been paying tens of thousands since that day. He convinced me that we could do it friendly. The second the ink was dry he turned into the devil.

Yep. Once they realize we aren’t buying their crap and they can’t control us, they rip off the mask and show their TRUE selves.

He was literally impossible to reason with. I don’t know why I thought I would be able to. It's just drove him crazy that he was losing control of my mind.

I had NO clue what was coming. Get the best lawyer you can. Ask actual divorced people for a lawyer recommendation.

The biggest thing I’ve learned is to be careful with how much I communicate. Everything can and will be used as a matter of control.

I thought he would play nice. Ha! If I could go back I would have gone no contact immediately. I would have spared myself much abuse, grief, and years more suffering.

He would’ve been FANTASTIC if I had used his attorney, agreed to everything he dictated, and I laid down while he stomped me into the ground. His behavior made me realize that no, he wouldn’t be close to fair. It was all about him, and I was insignificant and completely disposable.

For some reason I thought he would be reasonable. I was very wrong! I would have gone on the offensive from the outset. I tried to be agreeable in hopes he would be reasonable. It has been a wild ride!

I’ve had to only communicate in email and put a stop to instant messages about settlement issues. Also, not to respond to love bombing. And not to trust his promises regarding a settlement.

I didn't have an attorney because I thought it would be amicable. In hindsight, I would have written about his physical and psychological abuse of my second son and pressed charges against him. I would have followed the divorce order exactly rather than letting him take advantage of me by granting extra vacation time with the kids.

I thought that since he never bothered to be around the kids much, that it was a no-brainer that I would keep custody. He stole from me, tried to have me removed from my house that I paid for, and tried to gain custody of our kids. My advice is to prepare yourself for the level of hell they will go to. Remove anything of value that you don’t want them to take. Document everything. Start documenting everything you do for the children. Avoid any conversations in person and get everything in writing. And trust your gut. It will get rough and you must remember that it will get better eventually.

I wish I had a different lawyer by my side helping me fight my battle. I signed away my rights to claim my kids on my taxes even though I had joint custody.

He had said, "This doesn't have to be nasty." And, "Of course I'll always provide for you and the kids. That's my job." Until I actually filed for divorce.

Yes, I did think he would be amicable. Do not give in anything. You can't negotiate with a narcissist. Period.

Thankful that I’ve learned about the cycle of abuse so I can see the manipulation and when he was in the love bombing stage.

It was hard not to feel guilty but I knew I needed to take care of me.

I learned the that a mild-mannered husband can become a money-grabbing maniac once you file for divorce.

I discovered that he was absolutely, positively not to be trusted and that anyone allied with him was also not to be trusted. Also that he / they will employ complicated ruses to get you to feel sorry for them and martyr themselves even if it means they get what they want in the end. They will pretend to still care. They will lie – look you dead in the eye and lie – about every little thing. You are nothing but a means to their end game.

I believed that by submitting to him through the divorce that God would restore my marriage. I got screwed, big time. If I were to do it again, I'd lawyer up demand every damn penny I was owed and as minimal visitation as possible. It doesn't help to be nice to a narcissist. Be bold, firm, and stable, but not nice or generous.

I thought he would “do anything to save our marriage” like he said he would. Instead, he hired a lawyer and made false allegations against me (adultery and child neglect).

I naively thought that because he initiated the divorce he’d be pleasant about it. Boy, was I wrong! He lied about everything, including stuff that was illegal to lie about, and was going for full custody, keeping the house and the dog, and me paying child support and alimony. Cut-throat attorney ONLY!

What I learned was trying to be fair is useless. Trying to sacrificially give in order to get them to work with you is useless. If you give them an inch, they want 100 miles.

When I moved out, I thought he was going to be amicable and cooperative, so the evening before, we had a long conversation where we agreed on things like who the children would live with, what schools they would go to, etc. I wrote everything down in a separation agreement and naively thought he would stick to everything we had discussed. But two months later, he changed everything, went back on promises, claimed we never discussed things we had agreed, lied about EVERYTHING. I really wished that I had recorded our conversations as proof of what we said and what he had agreed to.

I started out telling him I hoped we could still be friends, and coparent well. I also made the mistake of telling him what items were important to me when I thought we might be able to sit down together and divide our possessions like adults. He used every bit of it to hurt me.

We try to follow the laws of common decency but they work against us.

Our advice to you:

The division/legal/divorce stuff is simply a business deal and we must be wise and shrewd.

I just would think the worst from him, from the start, and that there's no way he will be reasonable.

Get the best, toughest lawyer you can find. Ask around for recommendations. Talk to other women that have gone through divorce. Don't tell your husband anything unless you absolutely need to.

Don’t tell him anything you’re planning to do and don’t fall for his lies. He’ll make all kinds of promises and then turn around and stab you in the back! You cannot trust him at all!

Get all of the paperwork you can and take half of the money from your joint accounts before you file. I was told after I filed that I couldn’t take out large amounts, but he emptied our bank accounts and nothing happened to him!

I knew his behavior wouldn’t change so I continued to document as before but I would have separated off the joint bank account sooner. I was attempting to not raise alarms by keeping it. In the end, it really didn’t matter.

I would have filed quicker with courts for spousal support.

I would have looked out for me more, and not “him and me.” He only looked out for him.

I would have filed divorce instead of separation and I would not have sent him an email letting him know. I would have had him actually served instead of sending the papers certified mail.

I would have documented sooner and extensively, and I wouldn’t have forced him to do things so he ended up looking like a good parent and a good husband. I would have let him have the consequences of his lifestyle choices.

I wish I had a better handle of what I wanted in terms of asset division before I filed. It was extremely challenging in every way.

Get a consultation with all the hot shot attorneys that will be too expensive for you – that way he won't be able to use all the ones who you saw (conflict of interest). A good attorney might be able to make the ex cough up funds to help pay your lawyer fees (depending on the state/country you live in).

I never for a single second thought he’d be decent. I got a lawyer. A good one. Expensive, yes, (and I was in a tough financial place) but it was absolutely worth it.

Don't agree to anything without counsel.

Go no contact immediately.

My sister divorced her husband about 10 years ago and managed to do it all without lawyers. She tried to tell me that would work with me too. Thankfully I didn’t listen to her because I can’t imagine what would’ve happened.

Be very careful discussing things with family or friends. You don’t know who will cooperate with your husband as witnesses, or to further smear you. Smear campaigns are common.

You have to protect yourself financially, physically (it very likely will affect your health) and emotionally. Make it a priority to have a counsellor on call. (A women’s shelter may offer one for free).

Contact your local women’s center for resources and support.

I’d call all our friends and his family and tell them my decision before he got to them to spread his lies. They still might not have believed or cared, but I’d have had a voice he robbed me of.

I wouldn’t have encouraged him to come around just to be a dad. I’d have let him be gone all the time to openly pursue his selfish desires while his kids watched and learned who he really is. It would’ve saved me from the painful lies and parental alienation that ruined my older child’s relationship with me.

I learned you can only use what can be proven. Emotional abuse often doesn’t count as abuse in court. Look up your state’s definition. Look up child best interest factors and laws on recording in your state. If you’re allowed a video in your home or on your phone, do it. Keep records of everything you can prove, especially those that meet child best interest factors.

Keep all texts.

I would not have wasted time trying to negotiate. I would have gone for the jugular out of the chute.

I surrounded myself with close knit friends and family who were prayer warriors for the kids and me. Their prayers and God’s grace carried me through. I would recommend to anyone to find a strong support system you can confide in. It’s truly what helped get me through.

I have learned he is nice when he wants something, or things are going as he planned and can control. Otherwise, I need to protect myself and my little ones.

Hope for the best, but most definitely expect and prepare for the worst. If you are just going into divorce/ custody, think through absolutely every detail about everything that matters to you (especially kids, finances, house, if applicable). Assume nothing. Write out EVERYTHING in your divorce agreement. Do not assume that you will be able to work out "minor details."

He doesn’t want to lose control and its INTENTIONAL, so you have to be too.

I would listen to the counsel of others who were trying to protect my financial interests and I would be wiser rather than trying to be nicer than Jesus.

Have good boundaries. Stay strong. Remember it will be over soon.

Divorcing an abuser is hard, but…

As one woman asked after reading the comments:

So these stories all sound awful. Do you regret it or are you still glad you left? Was it worth it?

It's been difficult but I don't live in fear and I can be myself. I can spend time with God and with friends and family.

Yes. It is worth it. Every step to freeing myself both legally and emotionally is worth it.

Looking back, what I would have done differently is file for divorce a long time ago instead of waiting for 35 years.

It is so worth it.

After several years of freedom, the divorce is just another bad memory of him, but my life is wonderful without him.

It was completely worth leaving him and that horrible relationship.

There are a lot of things worth giving up just to have a peace-filled future.