When we’re married to an abuser we all get the point where asking our husband or ex to do or not do something (ie. setting a boundary) just doesn’t work and they do whatever they want.

Then what do we do? Keep reading!

The point of boundaries

Boundaries are pretty much useless with abusers and they are not the “solution” that many advocates claim they are.

We’re often told that boundaries are how to get our power back but, in fact, an abuser will use them to take our power away.

Knowing our own boundaries is helpful for identifying what we will and won’t tolerate from others and setting boundaries is helpful in determining if an abuser will change.

But once we know he won’t change, boundaries usually only make things worse and lead to more retaliation and abuse.

A boundary gives an abuser information on how to upset you and he’ll use that as ammunition against you.

We have to understand what makes abusers tick

This a hard thing to wrap our heads around since we are kind, loving caring women and were never told that there are people out there who are very different from us. But what motivates an abuser is important to understand.

Ultimately, an abuser is seeking power and control over you, and what he loves to control the most is your emotions and state of mind. When he can upset you, guilt you, confuse you, trigger you, make you angry, or get any kind response out of you, he feels satisfied. Yes, that is sick and character disordered, but it’s the brutal truth we have to face.

Once he triggers that emotional reaction, then he gets to create a narrative to tell others since he also loves to play the victim and control how others see you:
“She’s out of control”
“She’s over sensitive”
“She’s mean and angry”
“She’s immature”
“She’s crazy”
“She doesn’t have enough faith”
“She’s impossible”

When you understand an abuser’s agenda you get clarity to see how he will use your needs, desires, and boundaries against you.

Here’s how it goes:
You tell him what you need, thinking you are standing up for yourself and being empowered.
He now knows exactly how to get a reaction out of you by not doing what you asked, and so he intentionally violates your boundary.
You react.
He now feels like he wins.

The mindset change you need to make

After years of being with a man you considered your husband, it’s natural to think of him as being part of your life, as being someone who would not want to hurt you and will listen to you. You’ve been “one flesh” with this man for years, even decades, and it takes time to think and live differently.

An abuser won’t be kind or care about you and won’t take your feelings into consideration. That ship has sailed and it helps to live in the painful truth that he wants to hurt you on purpose.

You have to stop expecting anything from him or depending on him for anything, including respecting your boundaries, and focus only on taking care of yourself.

We all go through the stage of “but he should ____” and we are right, he definitely should and, if he was a caring human being, he would.
But he won’t.

The reality we have to live with is that we’re trying to have a relationship and he’s trying to win an invisible war for power and control that’s entirely in his head.

It’s vital to remember that his agenda is to control you. After you’ve separated or said you want a divorce, the agenda becomes to increase the abuse and your misery in any way he can. (Don’t be fooled by his love-bombing and regrooming of you through fake kindness to get you to trust him again. That is only an act, and he will change on a dime when he realizes that tactic won’t work.)

We all feel powerless and helpless when we realize that we have no power over our abuser, and can’t make him do anything, so that’s why we need to shift our focus to how we can take care of ourselves.

Your power is in being shrewd about protecting yourself and not playing his game or giving him any ammunition to use against you.

You are now 100% alone in and responsible for taking care of yourself. It’s a mindset change that takes time but leads to empowerment.

Instead of setting a boundary, here are other things you can do

• To reduce retaliation and abuse you can “keep him on the throne,” pretending that you respect him and not rock the boat. Being called out or criticized will increase his tactics such as denial, blame-shifting, rage,  attacking you, and will actually energize him because he likes the game, so depriving him of that can help.

• You can learn to play the “Yes Game” which is taught in the Arise Healing Community along with other advanced communication techniques.

• You can grey-rock him and use other techniques for being emotionally neutral. The goal is to not show him that you are upset and to stop playing his game. As a bonus, every time you avoid an interaction with him, you also avoid all the confusion that those interactions bring to you.

• You can refuse to fall for his act that he’s the victim and you are awful. Remember that you are doing this because of who he is.

• You can learn how to potentially change the narrative about you that he’s telling others, which is also taught in the Arise Healing Community.

• You can use the tools in Arise to work on your triggers and your own emotional and mental health so you get stronger and stronger and less reactive and helpless.

• You can have an internal boundary to not take in what they say or do. Don’t react, remain neutral and cover yourself with Teflon.

• You can leave the room or house when you need to.

Yes, you’ll look like a “bad” person

When we stop falling for his game, or divorce an abuser, we usually come out looking like the bad person. But no matter how you might feel, or what anyone might accuse you of, you aren’t being rude or mean. As a “good Christian wife” we feel like we are, but protecting ourselves isn’t rude or selfish. It’s wise and what God wants us to do.

You’ll probably be accused of being disrespectful, unloving, of destroying the marriage, not being submissive, of disobeying God, or being a bad wife.

Remember, it’s a good thing to take care of yourself and be empowered. It’s just a hard transition after being a “nice Christian women” for so long.

Taking care of yourself is true empowerment

The truth is we can do nothing to make someone else respect our boundaries, but abusers love it when we try to and then get upset at how they behave. That feeds them and makes them feel powerful.

So remember to not show him that you are upset or hurting. When you do that it gives him more information on how to intentionally hurt you.

I know that seeing who he is and why he isn’t respecting your boundaries is painful, and learning to take care of yourself no matter how he reacts is hard, but this is where the seed of gaining your independence, self-respect, and self-empowerment grows.

And remember, the most effective boundary of all is to leave the abuser whenever possible.