How God Guided Me to Divorce – Survivor Wisdom Series, Part Eight

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I recently asked the beautiful survivors in my Confusion to Clarity FB Support Community the following questions:

How did you come to know it was okay to divorce as a Christian?
What helped you make the decision to divorce?

I was surprised that all the answers I got were about how God guided them to divorce. Yes, God supports divorcing an abuser, and, yes, it’s Biblical to do so no matter what you’re being told by your pastor, elders, or others.

Not all abused women I’ve talk with felt they heard God tell them to divorce as clearly as these women, but all knew in their hearts that they had no other choice (which is a common way of hearing Him). So if you don’t feel God’s leading, don’t assume He wants you to stay– God wants all of His beloved daughters free from abuse. God always supports an abused Christian woman’s decision to seek a merciful, life-saving divorce.

This is Part Seven of the Survivor Wisdom Series. Here are the other articles in the series:

Part One: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Marriage
Part Two: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Divorce and Dealing with Others
Part Three: How I Realized My Abuser Would Never Change
Part Four: Tips if You’re Still Wondering if Your Abuser Will Change
Part Five: How I Realized His Abuse Was Intentional
Part Six: Why I Stayed
Part Seven: How I knew It was Time to Separate
Part Nine: How Divorce Made My Life Better
Part Ten: Seeing Spiritual Abuse
Part Eleven: How Your Church Should Respond When You Disclose Abuse

Here are the women’s stories in their own words:

When I started to realize that my marriage was abusive, God took me on a journey of discovery. I had two different ladies give me the same word about timing, and a passage from Song of Songs chapter two was in a few different videos I watched, “‘Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away; for now the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.” Also, God challenged me (gently) from Peter where it talks about pursuing peace and I knew I had to make decisions that would bring peace. And reading articles and understanding the scriptures about divorce and remarriage in a deeper way and realizing that God doesn’t expect me to live like this and I didn’t have to keep covering for him just because he was my husband!

All through our separation I kept hoping he would truly repent and change, but he kept doing the same psychological abuse, lying, changing his story, acting like a victim etc. One day in desperate, sobbing prayer God said to me “Read Jeremiah 13:23. “Can a leopard change his spots? Neither can you (he) do good who are accustomed to doing evil.” God told me to divorce and be free. Best decision ever, even though it was soul-wrenching and brutally painful.

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All through our separation I kept hoping he would truly repent and change, but he kept doing the same psychological abuse, lying, changing his story, acting like a victim etc. One day in desperate, sobbing prayer, God said to me “Read Jeremiah 13:23. “Can a leopard change his spots? Neither can (they) do good who are accustomed to doing evil.” God told me to divorce and be free. Best decision ever, even though it was soul-wrenching and brutally painful.

I knew when he reneged on the boundaries I'd set, along with the help of a Christian psychiatrist who specialized in sexual addictions and personality disorders. The Holy Spirit told me to leave. I already had an emergency plan in place. The lights went on as I educated myself on domestic abuse, egalitarian theology, got into counseling for two years before I ended up leaving, read tons of books and articles on personality disorders. Prayed for wisdom continuously, and for strength and clarity. God is faithful to provide.

This took me several months after finally acknowledging the abuse and seeing that the claimed repentance in my husband was skin deep. I read and read the scriptures and also many different writers. It also aided me massively that my brother who is a pastor said he firmly believed I had biblical grounds, as did my very good friend and her pastor husband. Because when you’ve spent your life under a pastor’s ministry and he says you cannot divorce, it takes insight and help from all angels to overcome the impact and trauma of that spiritual abuse.

After an episode a year ago, God literally dropped the term “psychological abuse“ into my brain. I had never even heard of it. 10 days later I moved out and began my journey of awareness, education, and healing. I knew it was time to divorce him when God convicted me that my own pride (to never divorce) was destroying me. I repented and learned a new level of God’s love for me.

I was struggling with the idea of divorce. My heart knew it was God talking to me, telling me this (abuse) was not the path he had planned for me. Hearing so clearly and consistently the voice of God has brought me so much peace in my decision and in this painful journey to healing.

I really always fought for my marriage, really for my obedience (or so I thought) to God's plan for marriage and upholding the vows that I promised to him. One day, there is no way to explain it, but I just felt the Lord start to lay down a path of empowerment and strength and line things up for me to leave this terrible, degrading, soul-crushing marriage. I had prayed that God would speak to me loudly and clearly because I didn't want to miss any signs from Him. He has made the most amazing way, it hasn't been easy, but He has provided. I knew it was going to be difficult to find (work) because I've been a stay at home mom for 15 years and allowed my husband to handle all our finances. GOD WILL MAKE A WAY!

As I began to unravel the trauma and always feeling like I was drowning, I thought, “I deserve better.” God has remained my constant through it all.

In order to save my life, I convinced myself I didn’t care what God thought about divorce or marriage for that matter.

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My uncle pulled me aside and said “If you ever need some place to stay or someone to talk to, we are here for you. You can call us anytime day or night, and I can even come get you and your girls.” That was almost two years ago but I had to hold it together until I was able to take concrete steps. But to me that was God saying now is the time. My eyes were opened literally in a matter of seconds. God was with me before then, but the Lord had walked me every step of the way since then. I rejoice for my life-saving divorce.

I always knew divorce was biblically sanctioned if there was adultery or desertion. It took a lot of therapy, reading, and participation in FB groups for women in destructive relationships, talking to supportive friends and pastors, and eventually my dad telling me up front (after seeing my suffering & ex’s bad behavior) that if I needed to get a divorce, he and my mom would stand behind me.

What finally let me know it was OK was realizing 1) my ex had already broken the covenant, not me– my actions just acknowledged what had already happened, 2) God loved ME, 3) divorce is never mentioned as a sin– indeed God divorced Israel– but fits of rage and lies are, 4) God is a God of FREEDOM – He came to set people free NOT imprison them in an unhealthy situation. I finally had some people telling me it wasn't a sin. Two even said it was God's grace to save my life. Also, his worsening behavior. And, not living with him for several months so that I could actually think and see what was going on.

I came to realize that not ALL marriages are covenants between man, wife, and God. The institution of marriage should not be an idol. It shouldn’t be more important than the safety, sanity, and salvation of a human being.

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The Lord showed me that I had been a prisoner of fear most of my life, as a child and an adult, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life enslaved to my husband’s desires, emotions, will, and plans. I had to choose Jesus or my husband. I cannot please or follow both.

My in-house separation clearly showed me that God wants me to live abundantly, and the true meaning of Proverbs 4:23 “ABOVE ALL ELSE guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” I had been allowing my husband to drain my wellspring and there was barely enough for me, let alone him! Also I was watering a life that wasn’t bearing any fruit, no matter how much of my resources I poured out. Proverbs 18:14 “ The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?”

Helena Knowlton helped me see that I had no real hope my husband would change. My hope was deferred for 28.5 years and it was making me sick! Scripture speaks about right relationship throughout the whole of it, not just the passages that mention the words marriage and divorce. Like Harriet Tubman (sweet sister in Christ) said she would have liberty or death, I decided to follow Jesus to freedom to trust him, like Harriet, every step of the way, though divorce is no easy path.

I was taught that a Christian can NEVER divorce. “Marriage is Permanent.” I started attending a Presbyterian church by myself. After several months, my pastor suggested divorce and showed me that there ARE Biblical reasons for divorce: adultery and abandonment. Physical/ spiritual/ emotional abuse IS abandonment and a violation of one’s marriage vows. I realized that I was the one who was allowing him to control me, and he would for the rest of my life, if I let him. No more.

I suffered many years, 33 to be exact. During these years I cried out to God and asked for a miracle to save the marriage. Well the Lord spoke to me and said, “Dear daughter, I see your suffering and I want you to be free.” So I studied and I prayed because the Christian community is against divorce. What I found in Numbers was Moses granting divorce because of a hardened heart. That was my answer. I knew it was time to divorce when I finally got the revelation that I’m worthy of love, and God gave me the go ahead.

I realized my decision was more about life or death (spiritual, mental, emotional, and ultimately physical) than it was about marriage or divorce when it became clear that God was leading me down the path of divorce as a gateway to freedom to fully follow Him and become who I am created to be!