Why I Stayed – Survivor Wisdom Series, Part Six

This is the sixth installment in the Survivor Wisdom Series.
Here are the other articles in this series:

Part One: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Marriage
Part Two: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Divorce and Dealing with Others
Part Three: How I Realized My Abuser Would Never Change
Part Four: Tips if You’re Still Wondering if Your Abuser Will Change
Part Five: How I Realized His Abuse Was Intentional
Part Seven: How I Knew it was Time to Separate
Part Eight: How God Guided Me to Divorce
Part Nine: How Divorce Made My Life Better
Part Ten: Seeing Spiritual Abuse
Part Eleven: How Your Church Should Respond When You Disclose Abuse

Some of us get blamed for leaving our marriage, and some of us get blamed for staying so long “if it was that bad.” And most of us get blamed for both. We can’t win, can we?

I asked the women in our Confusion to Clarity Community for Covert Abuse Survivors:

“What kept you in the marriage for so long? Why did you stay?”

The same reasons came up over and over:
~ brainwashing by the abuser
~ confusion about the abuse
~ thinking the marriage “problems” were her fault
~ believing his lies that he’d change
~ believing all the Christian lies that we have to stay
~ thinking it’s best for the kids
~ not having the financial resources
~ health issues
~ many of these all at once

We just can’t underestimate how hard it is to leave.

Instead of blaming the victim/survivor, we should be honoring the strength of all the women who have left against all odds, and the strength of those who are forced to stay until they can find a way out.

Here are a few of the many responses in the survivor’s own words:

I stayed because I didn’t and still don’t have the words to explain why I am now divorcing after almost three decades!

I stayed because I was confused and my thoughts and reality were so slippery I couldn't tell what was real. I didn’t know if he was abusing me or if I was having flashbacks from childhood abuse.
I stayed because I thought if I could only find the right words to explain what he was doing that he'd be horrified and want to stop.
I stayed because he trapped me in a psychological prison and I didn’t have the mental or emotional resources to kick him out of my house.
I stayed because I was ashamed and didn’t want to admit what was happening.
I stayed because of the promises to change.
I stayed because I thought I loved him. I thought he loved me.

We went to biblical counseling at the church and I was told to not provoke him, to submit and to forgive. So I felt responsible. Divorce was sin.

I believed I had to stay because “He was not doing anything wrong. It was all my fault. I was not being a good wife.”

I didn’t want to rip apart my family and be "the bad guy" for leaving and lose all my family and friends too.

I stayed because of the belief that it’s better to have the kids grow up in a two parent household.

I had a very strong belief that marriage is forever. I now know it takes two to have a relationship but only one person to destroy it.

I stayed because I reacted so intensely to the covert abuse, I thought I was the problem.
I stayed because he gave glimmers of hope and periods of time that were really sweet and happy.
I stayed because I thought there was hope for more of the good times.
I stayed because I was pregnant and had a young child.
I stayed because I got worn down by the gaslighting and manipulating. My thinking was distorted because I was being lied to, provoked, and then blamed for ALL the problems in the marriage.
I stayed because of finances.
More importantly, I stayed because I wasn't educated on what emotional and psychological abuse was.

I stayed because my husband threatened suicide if I left, and I didn’t feel ready to lose him.

I stayed because I didn’t realize how bad things were. There were nicer moments to drag me along. I began to document things and could no longer deny it or think my memories were wrong.
I also stayed because I was raised in a very conservative church where the climate of the home was dependent on the woman.
I stayed because I believed that God was for marriage and if I just prayed enough, fasted, pleaded, etc then it would get better. But I had to realize that we all have a free will and God wasn’t going to make him change.
I stayed because I knew things would get much worse when I tried to separate.
I also stayed because I was scared of starting over.

I thought God would provide a miracle in my husband if I just stayed patient and faithful. Now being out I can clearly see the miracle was breaking the strongholds in my own mind and starting me on the path to clarity and truth.

I was scared of not being able to protect my kids after divorce if they spend half the time with the abuser. But now with the help of this group, I also see that half the time they are COMPLETELY SAFE now with me, away from him and free from seeing his abuse as an example towards me.

I spent 18 years helping him not look like a jerk—now I realize he was a jerk! And I should have let him suffer those natural consequences whether with his own family, my family, his work, and even our kids.

I stayed because the mind control and brainwashing was so covert that I always second guessed myself when things didn’t add up. I believed so many of his lies that I was the main problem.

I didn’t know it was abuse.

I thought forgiveness meant acceptance.

I stayed because I thought he would change. I thought it would get better if I prayed harder.

I stayed because we had so much history together.
I stayed because I had no one to tell and nowhere to go.
I stayed because I felt no one would believe me.
I stayed because he threatened to destroy me and take the children.
I stayed because I was so ashamed of who he was and what I’d become.
I stayed because I believed marriage was forever. I believed he could do better. Be a better man, I believed in his human potential, and I had glimpses of that in his behaviour towards select others.
I stayed because of religious indoctrination.
I stayed because eventually I became so broken and depressed that the only possibility of leaving was death.
I stayed because I no longer could think straight.
I stayed because I was naive. I did not understand the nature of narcissism or evil.
I stayed because I was terrified of being alone. I couldn’t hear my own voice or follow my intuition. I no longer trusted myself.
I stayed because of fear and shame.

I thought that as a Christian woman I had no choice. He could do whatever he wanted, but as long as he apologized I had to forgive, and forgiveness meant staying married, even if I knew full well that his words were meaningless, and his actions wouldn't change. I was indoctrinated to believe that God values the institution of marriage over the well-being of individuals and that my children would be forever ruined if they were from a "broken home."

The good moments made me think I was crazy or overreacting regarding the bad ones. In hind sight he chipped away at my self confidence. He made me feel like I was nothing or no one without him. I can’t believe I didn’t see what I see now.

He was a recovering alcoholic and I wanted to support and understand him.

I stayed because my extended family told me I was only welcome to “get away” for one month and then I needed to return and work on my marriage. I have eight kids. I haven’t worked in 10 years.

I wanted my children to grow up in an traditional family.

I had no idea that no resolution was possible because I had been taught that with enough prayer and patience "God can fix anything." What I didn't understand was that God CAN, but He will never usurp a humans free will.

After 20 years, you have so much invested, it takes a lot to make you walk away with what feels like nothing. It's like being at a slot machine and even though your money keeps getting sucked away, and now you are $100,000 in the hole, people tell you ,"Just keep putting money in. You're bound to win eventually! You don't want to lose all of what you put in."

I had no idea that I was dealing with a narcissist. I stayed for my son and out of fear of having to share my child with someone whose judgement I did not trust. God really opened my eyes to the narcissism and He so graciously led me out of that marriage. I am beyond thankful to the Lord for setting me free from that life.

I stayed because I had no idea what was happening. I knew I was deeply unhappy, but my husband convinced me I was to blame. All of the arguments we had were my fault. I was wrong all the time. He was gaslighting me at every turn. And it worked. I'm out now, and so glad I can see it.

Because he kept apologizing and crying and I felt sorry for him and thought change was possible. I thought my love would be enough to help him heal. I thought the times he showed me caring action was him showing his true potential, and that waiting would have a reward of happiness and togetherness eventually. I thought I had no way out with 8 children.

I actually thought it was better for the kids to live in conflict than to live in a broken home.

I went to pastors for help but was told I was not working hard enough. They all said, "God hates divorce" and I had no Biblical reason to leave.

I stayed because it was such a slow buildup, I didn't even realize he was intentionally being cruel. Like a frog in hot water that slowly starts to boil, you don't even realize that the life is being sucked out of you. On purpose. By a person who is looking at you and saying "I love you."

It was when I started to recognize the symptoms of PTSD in myself that I started to realize I needed out.

I stayed because I was worried about him. I didn’t want to cause an upheaval because he was a pastor. I now know he needed to suffer the consequences of his own behavior and he could look bad because he was bad!

I was hoping and praying for my happy ending – to have a good decent marriage like the one that my parents had. In fact, God knew that my happy ending was really to be without the abuser.

For 34 years I'd looked to my marriage to a Christian leader and my 9 home-schooled children to define who I was. To stand up in my marriage required a supernatural paradigm shift in my perspective: a transformation in the way I saw myself and my God.

I knew I was miserable but I didn’t know I was being abused. I thought that it was a heart issue within me for being so miserable because I wasn’t depending on God enough.

My commitment to God and my kids and actually my love for my husband. I thought he was changing, getting more understanding and loving, but he was just getting better at acting and faking feelings.

I was raised that God doesn’t like divorce. I love my Heavenly Father and didn’t want to disappoint Him. I felt it would ruin my relationship with God.

Paralysis. I was so shocked and the cognitive dissonance so strong, I could not process the reality.

I thought if I could just read one more book, watch one more video, find a better counselor......I could fix it.

I had made an idol out of my marriage.

I believed I was selfish for wanting to be happy, and therefore convinced myself that I could put up with being hurt. I believed my covenant to the marriage and staying together for my kids was the most important.

I stayed primarily because I wanted my kids to grow up in an intact home. I didn’t realize that intact doesn’t mean healthy.

For most of my 28 years “married,”,I followed the standard lay counsel to forgive, focus on my own sins, pray for him, etc. If I had understood about NPD before, I believe I would’ve acted much sooner. No regrets whatsoever that I separated and divorced.

I stayed because of learned helplessness.

I stayed for every single reason everyone has said, my kids, my faith, my fear of everything. My biggest regret is not having gotten my kids away from him years ago.

I stayed because the good was great and I somehow managed to block out the bad.

I was brainwashed by the conservative Christian church that the husband is the head of the home, the one that makes the final decisions. When I questioned anything that I thought was off, or when I tried to share my feelings with him, there was gaslighting, blame shifting, minimizing. I was labeled as being condemning and critical. So I stayed because I didn't know any better.

I stayed because I was afraid I couldn’t financially afford to leave; I was afraid I wouldn’t get custody of our son because I had started to believe his lies. I’m happy to say that I did leave and I did get custody and I am financially making it and although life is very hard, I am making it without him.

I believed the counselors who were supposed to be “experts” in anger management and abuse. They kept having ME be the one who gave him signals, who was supposed to bring up “fresh examples” during counseling, who was supposed to be the “emotionally mature one” in the relationship. They kept telling me that if I prayed, communicated better, and worked hard enough my poor, broken husband would be healed. They coached him into just being more covert in his abuse! The counseling itself became another extension for abuse.
It was very difficult for me to come to a point where I had to disagree with every person who had ever counseled us on abuse, as well as disagree with everyone in my church and community who said the wife didn’t have the right to set up boundaries and consequences with her husband.

I stayed because I thought marriage wasn’t designed to make us happy. I didn’t know the relationship was abusive. I came to believe that my dreams were selfish and prideful and that the deep sadness I felt from broken promises was a sacrifice worth making.

I believed the lies that his damage from childhood abuse meant he needed my help and support always.

I felt worthless from the abuse and it kept me trapped. I thought God didn’t love me anymore because he allowed me to go through such pain, but now I know God loves me and ENOUGH was ENOUGH!!!

I stayed because the focus was always on "my issues" of depression and anger. He was always the patient, loving, long-suffering husband "helping" me. He knew very well how to throw me into confusion with brainwashing, lies, gas lighting, and manipulation. He was so convincing and I was left struggling with doubts and questions.

I stayed because he isolated me from family and friends and I had no support system.

I stayed because I was a very devoted Christian in the shepherding movement where pastors had the authority to tell you that you couldn't leave. In a counseling session a pastor said "if you were my wife, I'd beat you too." I believed God barely tolerated women and that to matter to God you had to be male.

I stayed because I came from an abusive background and didn’t realize that it was abuse. I was living under a veil. I convinced myself that it wasn’t that bad.

I stayed because my husband had mental health issues that he was seeking treatment for. He attempted suicide and ended up in a mental facility so I stayed to help him through this very long, dark period. I felt responsible.

I didn’t understand the intentionality behind abusive behaviors. I underestimated deception and evil by believing people have good intentions. I mistook manipulation for “changed behaviors.”

I stayed because I didn’t believe I deserved anything better, that this was as good as my life got. You can’t go to the police with a broken heart and shattered self esteem!

I didn’t think there was ANY way I could survive financially. I’ve learned that doing all this alone is NOT the worst thing that can happen. Having someone destroy you from the inside out is probably what hell is like. Torment and torture.

“It takes heroic effort to leave. Do. It. Anyway. That hero is within YOU.”

— a survivor

If you’d like to join other women of faith in their journey of healing from the trauma of spiritual abuse and emotional and psychological spousal abuse, and learn practical tools for healing, you can read about the Arise Healing Community here.

If you’ve experienced covert psychological abuse, come join our private Facebook group for women of faith who are covert emotional and psychological spousal abuse survivors!