Seeing Spiritual Abuse by Your Church- Survivor Wisdom Series, Part Ten
How do you know when you are experiencing spiritual abuse by your church when going for help about an abusive marriage?
I recently asked the beautiful survivors in my Confusion to Clarity FB Community the following questions:
~ How did your church/pastor respond to you when you talked with them about your husband abusing you?
~ What would you have done differently?
In this article they’ve shared some examples of spiritually abuse reactions, followed by some advice. In my next article, I’ll share some women’s positive experiences so you know what you should be expecting from your church and pastor.
This is Part Ten of the Survivor Wisdom Series. Here are the other articles in the series:
Part One: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Marriage
Part Two: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Divorce and Dealing with Others
Part Three: How I Realized My Abuser Would Never Change
Part Four: Tips if You’re Still Wondering if Your Abuser Will Change
Part Five: How I Realized His Abuse Was Intentional
Part Six: Why I Stayed
Part Seven: How I knew It was Time to Separate
Part Eight: How God Guided Me to Divorce
Part Nine: How Divorce Made My Life Better
Part Eleven: How Your Church Should Respond When You Disclose Abuse
THEIR EXPERIENCES:
When I talked to the deacon he said he thought I should just make myself vulnerable to pain again and go back to him, and that I needed to go to a counselor they approved of and get back together with him on their timetable or they would excommunicate me, which they did.
My pastor told me, "There are spiritual clouds over marriages right now, but they are lifting,” and "Go home and pray for him, and be a good wife," and, "If he becomes a Christian, he won't be abusive anymore." When I fled my home with a restraining order, I stayed with a woman from my Bible Study who showed me Bible passages, and asked me, "Why don't you want to be obedient to God? God wants you to go back to your husband."
My pastor was supportive but uneducated and he thought I should stay and keep being abused.
When I told the pastor my husband knocked me to the ground and was screaming in my face, he told my husband he was acting like a big oaf and told him to never lay a hand on me. He told me that instead of getting angry at my husband, it would be better if I cried. As if my “anger” caused my husband’s anger. And if I cried about something my husband would have a better response. My husband excused his physical tantrums and throwing things at me by saying the pastor had told him not to lay a hand on me.
I got no support from the pastor. By then my husband was having multiple affairs. He was constantly angry at our son and, when he hit our son’s head against a wall, I left. The pastor’s wife called unannounced to explain my duty to stay in the marriage and pray. No one challenged my husband’s behaviour.
My pastor told me that verbal abuse did not exist. That it was not in the Bible and it was made up by today’s culture. A female church counselor told me having more sex fixes most marriage problems. I was told I needed to take the high road and be more accepting of his “flaws.”
My pastor responded by first discouraging us from getting professional counseling (unless it was another nouthetic counselor) because any other outside counseling was “unbiblical.” Then he minimized my husband's sin, gave him a slap on the wrist, and began turning things around on me. He had my husband write a letter of repentance, and if I didn't forgive him on the spot, then I was now in sin.
My trauma seemed to be viewed as a result of my own bitterness and lack of forgiveness, not the fact that I now had two psychologically abusive people in my life targeting me.
He would meet with my husband privately and encourage and coach him to be MORE controlling. He told my husband emotional abuse wasn't real. He would have my husband "report" how I was doing to him (Was I doing the housework? Watching too much TV?)
When I emailed the pastor and said that I was uncomfortable with him doing counseling with us, he pressured me more, accusing me of being unwilling to do difficult things.
The pastor was protecting a whole abusive system that he was benefiting from. And I feel like he was trying to silence me because I was a threat.
I don't think that the pastor understood just how damaging the abuse was, even if it wasn't physical. I could tell he was empathetic, but I got the whole "God hates divorce" speech and was essentially dismissed because he never physically assaulted me.
My pastor equated his own history of addiction to my husband's abusive ways and thought that he could reach him. He asked if I would be willing to give my husband 30 days before filing for divorce, as if that would be nearly enough time to even make a positive step towards change.
He said to let it run off me like water off a ducks back!
Over 4 decades, we/I sought help from four different pastors and at least 4 ‘Christian’ counselors. No real help. The pastors all wanted to be friends with my husband. He dazzled them.
Throughout the 19 years, we had received counseling from 5 different pastoral teams and 4 different psychologist/counselors. The only issue that was ever addressed was his sexual addiction. The “counsel” was basically all the same - that I needed to forgive and show him love and support, that he was a really great guy and I should consider myself fortunate, and I should not push him towards that lifestyle by withholding sex, love and affection.
After leaving my ex I was repeatedly asked to go back to him by the church. When I made it very clear that was not going to happen, I was ostracized by some of the church leadership. I considered these people my family and during the time I needed support the most, I was devastatingly outcasted while my ex was embraced and remained in church leadership.
My pastor responded with “Put on a negligee and your marriage problem will be fixed.” I left that church after that and never told another Christian what I was going through.
The pastor said everyone interprets abuse and yelling differently. The pastor never even addressed my red flags during premarital counseling, so I thought I was just being too picky as my ex accused me of, and expecting too much. After separation for emotional sanity and safety, I tried to call the pastor and left messages with him and his wife and group leaders but no one reached out to me. A year after our divorce still not a peep, so I deleted them all on FB and never looked back.
I have found most Catholics have a misconception of our belief and that divorce means you can’t have communion when that is actually not the case.
The first time I tried to tell the pastors, I was told to have more sex. Later, I was told there is his perspective, my perspective, and the truth which is somewhere in the middle
I didn't know to call it abuse and my pastor used words like disrespectful and boundaries. He told me my husband had two personality types and that the two conflicted with one another. He made that sound normal.
My ex was my church pastor. He read a statement about me in front of the congregation
My pastor initially claimed he understood abuse and supported my separation. After several meetings with husband and then as a couple he said he didn't want to alienate my husband or drive him away from the church by calling out his continued behaviors. I quit counseling with him shortly after and he never once reached out to see how things were going.
I was told I was not allowed to separate without the permission of the church. I was also not allowed to not have sex with my husband without the church’s permission. They granted me one week.
I sat with the pastor and his wife and told them the sort of things that were going on. The wife replied "You're so lucky to be with someone like him though." And that was that.
They told me God placed the church in authority over me and if I did not obey what they recommended then I was being rebellious and not obeying God. This was in response to me telling them I had decided to divorce without their approval first. My small group leader told me God hates divorce and I was sinning.
I told them he had a drinking problem. I was told that unless my husband admitted to a sin they could not rebuke him. They would believe what he said as a way of showing him respect even though he got his second DUI while we were in active counseling. He then admitted he had a drinking problem and they loved on him instead of rebuking him because he confessed.
For a while the pastor’s wife was very supportive and it seemed like her husband was on board with her, but when my husband and I got together with both of them I could tell he didn’t understand what was going on. He said we need to both listen to each other. So I decided I wasn’t going to keep talking to her. My husband wrapped the pastor around his finger and is now his best friend in the church.
The pastor said, "Well at least he hasn't had a stroke and you have to take care of him." He did refer us to a psychologist.
My preacher told me, regarding my husband's physical abuse of my son, that "sometimes we need something like that to set us straight." And regarding my husband's emotional and psychological abuse of me, he said, "There are a lot of people in this church that are dealing with way worse things and they're still married." He also told me that the less he knew, the better.
THEIR Advice:
I would have left earlier and stopped listening to the pastor who said it is always right to stay because that is God’s will. It is never right to give up on your right and your children’s right to live and be and experience joy and happiness in a safe environment. Our God is a God of love.
If I could do it again, I wouldn't try to explain myself. I wouldn't feel like I owed them an explanation and I wouldn't allow myself to be swept under the carpet and gaslighted by them.
I would deal with it differently now by not talking to a pastor about it because I know a lot more now and realize they probably aren’t going to understand.
The counselors chose not to see or directly say that the issue was not a marriage issue, it was a character issue. But the great counselor Jesus finally gave me guidance to retreat, surrender, and let go of my marriage. I am two months separated and certain that I’ve done the right thing.
Seek guidance outside the church. Educate yourself. Seek online support from trusted sources. Read trusted books. Be careful who you listen to. Trust people by the fruits they bear, trust those who come to you in gentleness and peace. They may challenge your behaviour at times but they never annihilate your experience or invalidate you.
I don’t feel like I have to explain myself to parishioners. They are not my judge nor my jury. I only must worry about my relationship with God.
I would not have sought martial counseling nor anyone in that "Bible teaching" church if I had known their incompetency in this area.
The biggest problem was I took all the wrong pastoral advice to heart. I forgave my husband and suppressed my feelings. I was the Christian textbook model wife. I didn’t argue, I did what was requested of me, and none of it was ever good enough. None of it stopped his behaviour and there was never any actual change made by him.
If I could go back I would ask the pastor, “What's the cause of my husband never being able to consistently be kind, decent, and a thoughtful person?”
If I could make things different for someone else going through a similar situation, it would be to make more awareness about covert narcissism. I saw and experienced so many things that I didn’t understand and continually dismissed red flags in order to be the “good wife” I was expected to be. The last few years of that relationship (I don’t like to call it a marriage, because it wasn’t what a marriage should be) I was so incredibly depressed and was continually having anxiety attacks yet forced myself to not show it or talk about it. My hands were literally shaking all the time.
If I had to do it over again, I would have told the pastor he’s part of the problem. The pastors I have now are spiritually responsible and spiritually responsive. I’m in a very healthy church now.
The church doesn't understand abuse. And a lot of secular counselors can't understand covert narcissistic abuse either.
I didn't go to my pastor because I didn't want to be told to go back or to have him start to counsel us together. This was before I knew how bad it is to go to counseling with an abuser and I didn't even fully realize I was being abused at that time. I just knew somehow that talking to someone would only be giving him both more ways to manipulate me, and a "list" he could check off without real change. I knew that I needed separate counseling and separation. I prayed for clarity and truth and Jesus led me to a place of safety.
I have come to realize that there are people, most people, who do not understand, but also who do not WANT to understand, and there's nothing I can do about it. So, I leave them to live their lives in the fog with their blinders on. Their opinion doesn't matter to me. I know what I know, and God knows.
I’m glad I ended up saying no to the pastor and, while I recognized his intentions were good and he was sympathetic, I was frustrated at his ignorance. I don't think he would have suggested I stay if I was being physically abused, but there’s this misconception that other types of abuse aren't as damaging or are blown out of proportion, and they think the only Biblical reasons for divorce are abandonment and infidelity.
If you’d like to join other women of faith on a powerful journey of healing from the trauma of spiritual abuse and emotional and psychological spousal abuse, and learn practical tools for healing, you can read about the Arise Healing Community here.