Tips if You are Still Wondering if Your Abuser Will Change: Survivor Wisdom Series, Part Four
This is Part Four of the Survivor Wisdom Series. Here are the other articles in the series.
Part One: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Marriage
Part Two: What I Wish I’d Done Differently During My Divorce and Dealing with Others
Part Three: How I Realized My Abuser Would Never Change
Part Five: How I Realized His Abuse Was Intentional
Part Six: Why I Stayed
Part Seven: How I Knew it was Time to Separate
Part Eight: How God Guided Me to Divorce
Part Nine: How Divorce Made My Life Better
Part Ten: Seeing Spiritual Abuse
Part Eleven: How Your Church Should Respond When You Disclose Abuse
The women in my FB group have offered the following tips for women who are still waiting to see if their abusers will change:
Tips for waiting on change
See the REAL person that he is, NOT the one you WANT to see. I always tried to find the good. It’s just who I am as a person but the bad outweighed the good, especially as our relationship was coming to an end.
Trust your instincts, don’t ignore the red flags -the flags won’t go away and won’t get better.
Praying for someone to change their free will very rarely happens. God cannot lie, His word said He gave us free will. Sadly, that means we humans can use it to hurt others as much as we want. The only one who can change that free will is the individual, no one else.
As soon as you suspect he is an abuser be closed lipped. Don't tell him you think his behavior is abusive. Go grey rock but not fully. Just keep things cordially normal without giving away too much of what you are discovering. And keep up the discovery process.
Be an eye in the sky; watch and discern and document what you are seeing. When you document, write dates, how things transpired and as many details as possible first, then how it made you feel. Try and write it down right away and don't think a single time wasn't worth writing about. It all adds up.
Look in the mirror and ask yourself this question, "If he does try and change, do I want to be his accountability coach?" He will give up or slide back and it will be up to you to tell a man with an aversion to accountability to be accountable.
Start gaining small independences. For instance, when you go to the store pay with debit and take some cash, or buy yourself a visa gift card and sock it away somewhere. It will add up. Talk to many lawyers, especially the ones who have a big reputation, even if you don't plan to hire them.
Don't plan for change. Plan for your exit and if change occurs, Hallelujah! But if not, you are prepared. Chances are very slim that he will change.
Ask yourself, "Is it too late?" Too many years may have gone by and it's ok to say, “If he changes then it will be for the betterment of his other relationships, ie the kids, but not with me.” It's ok to say, “I've had enough.” It's not giving up. It's moving forward in a healthy way.
Trust your gut! It’s telling you something very important. Don’t allow anyone to take that God given instinct away from you. Listen to it. It’s your best friend.
Start to plan your way out and set yourself free.
Here are some additional concrete steps you can take:
Read about character disturbance and why abusers do what they do. Take the time to read all the articles on this website to get educated so you can start to see the subtle abuse. Consider reading some of the recommended resources.
Learn everything you can about abuse so you can see the patterns. And learn about covert tactics since abusers will often use these tactics if we resist overt abuse.
Learn what real change and true repentance looks like.
Learn how your thinking has been distorted by his brainwashing.
Learn what God really says about abuse and marriage and be willing to let go of the wrong doctrines you’ve learned.
Learn to see what is really happening rather than what he says is happening or what you hope is happening. Let go of wishful thinking and be willing to face reality.
Make a decision to face the truth no matter what. It’s utterly terrifying in the beginning, but leads to a better life.
Pray to be able to make decisions based on truth rather than fear.
Understand that your children will be much better off in a healthy home with a single mom than an abusive home, even if the abuse is entirely covert. Even if they are not being abused directly, the abuse is affecting them deeply.
Don’t try to figure it all out alone. Talk to other women who’ve been abused. Find a counselor who understands abuse.
Be very skeptical of promises to change. Every abuser makes promises they don’t keep.
The process of realizing he’s not going to change
For most women it’s a long process to face abuse and leave. Here are some comments by survivors about their process: (You can read more stories here)
It was a slow process to see the abuse and how it was impacting me. Sadly, if I had not seen how it was impacting my young son I may have never left. I did not believe I was worth anything.
For me it was a very slow process. I was getting really bad advice from the Christians around me, or no advice at all.
The more I got educated about narcissism, the more I realized change wasn’t going to happen. No miracle was coming.
What finally did it was an event. I was asked to do something in a place we both volunteer at and I said yes. He didn't want me to say yes but had never mentioned that I shouldn't. He was so mad he didn't speak to me for 3 days and then he seethed at me and told me everything was my fault and he wasn't sure if he would even vacation with us in a week (he did) and I had broken our marriage beyond repair and, no, he wouldn't go get marriage counselling because there was no point, it couldn't be fixed. Now he tries to act like nothing is wrong, but not much has changed except that I take a lot less bull than I used to.
From the beginning I knew something was “off” but couldn’t put my finger on it. Yet, it wasn’t until the discovery of the affairs that I realized it was the end because (before then) I was still willing to work on the marriage. Looking back, I realized he was never invested in the marriage. Plus, (huge red flag, that I ignored over and over), every time we went to counseling, first statement out of his mouth was: “There is nothing wrong with me. If there are any problems in our marriage, it’s because she has created them.”
My whole journey was such a slow process, there were so many events that SHOULD have been "it" but I was so brainwashed, so entrenched in my hope for him to change.
It was a slow process of me going back and forth of wanting to try to make it work. But then my eyes were wide open when he told me I had to put him first and then God, and he started making advances at me as if he was going to hit me.
The importance OF Self-compassion
Please remember to be compassionate towards yourself- he has messed with your mind and reality, and it’s not your fault you are confused!
Whether you’ve been trying to understand his abuse for 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years, it’s a long, painful process.
All of us who have been through it understand how hard it is to have your entire life and everything you thought to be true flipped upside down.
You will get to a place of more clarity and the find ability to make some hard decisions when the time is right for you.
If you’re experiencing covert psychological spousal abuse and spiritual abuse, come join our private Facebook group for women of faith who are covert emotional and psychological abuse survivors.
Be sure to download this Guide to help you understand covert abuse.
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If you’d like to join other women of faith in their journey of healing from the trauma of spiritual abuse and emotional and psychological spousal abuse, and learn practical tools for healing, you can read about the Arise Healing Community here.