Cognitive Dissonance Makes you Feel Crazy

Cognitive dissonance feels like living with two conflicting realities that switch back and forth. “He’s an abuser, no he’s not, he’s just hurt and means well,” “I’m right about this being abuse, no I’m not,” “Is it me or is it him?” “He’s so nice, why did I doubt him?” “I should leave, no I should stay,” Even, “I trust God, no I don’t.”

Cognitive Dissonance is often described as “reality switching” where conflicting thoughts and contradictory realities pop up but you’re plagued with such intense self-doubt, confusion, and fog from the abuse that you’re not able resolve anything. Remember, confusion is a SYMPTOM of covert abuse!

Stage FourHelena KnowltonMarch 8, 2023confusion, cognitive dissonance Comments

All About Trauma Bonds

“I miss him so much,” “I can’t go on without him,” “I can’t leave - it hurts too much to be apart.” These are all signs of a trauma bond, also called a betrayal bond.

Both trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance can be part of what keeps you or kept you trapped in an abusive marriage, or obsessing about it after you leave, and both are incredibly painful to deal with.

Stage FourHelena KnowltonMarch 8, 2023confusion, trauma bond Comments

Am I Being Selfish?

How can I know when I "should" put others first and when is it OK to put myself "first"? How do I know if I’m being selfish? My ex-husband constantly told me I was selfish. And I feel guilty a lot. So what is selfish and what isn't?

Stage FourHelena KnowltonMay 19, 2022recovery, healing Comments

This is Why Our Grief Hurts So, So Much

All of us have very complicated grief. We are grieving so much more than, for instance, the death of a loving spouse.
In addition to loss, we are also facing betrayal, confusion, trauma, fear about our future, the death of our dream, the shock of realizing who our husband is, self-doubt, wondering if we could have done things differently, and often not being believed or supported by others.

Another complication is that we are grieving two different people – the one we thought he was and the one he turned out to be, and the shattering betrayal that we’ve experienced from this.

How do we navigate these complexities and get through our grief? Or better yet, why won’t it just go away???

Stage FourHelena KnowltonAugust 26, 2021healing Comments

What Are the Chances for an Amicable Divorce?

Did any of you naively think your husband would be amicable and cooperative when you split? If so what did you learn, and what would you do over again if you could know better?

Here are the answers from the psychological abuse survivors in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook group.

Stage FourHelena KnowltonJanuary 11, 2021divorce Comments

What I Wish I’d Done Differently, Part One: Survivor Wisdom Series

Here’s the wisdom from many covert emotional and psychological abuse survivors about what they’d have done differently before marriage, during their marriage, and when they realized their husband was an abuser. I hope that every covertly abused woman who is reading these words can learn from what we’ve learned the hard way!

Stage FourHelena KnowltonJune 16, 2019marriage, survivors, boundaries Comments

What I Wish I’d Done Differently During Separation and Divorce, Part Two: Survivor Wisdom Series

Here’s the second installment in my Survivor Wisdom Series. Covert abuse survivors share their advice on what they wish they’d done differently during their separation, divorce, and when talking to family, friends and their church about the abuse. They also share what they wish they’d known about the Christian doctrines that kept them trapped in their marriages.

Stage FourHelena KnowltonJune 15, 2019boundaries, marriage, survivors Comments

How I Realized My Abuser Would Never Change – Survivor Wisdom Series, Part Three

I recently asked the women in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook Community this question: “When you were still hoping he’d change, how did you finally come to realize that he wasn’t going to change? What opened your eyes?” Here are their answers.

Stage FourHelena KnowltonJune 14, 2019marriage, boundaries Comments

Tips if You are Still Wondering if Your Abuser Will Change: Survivor Wisdom Series, Part Four

Here are some tips by survivors about things to do to get clarity while you are waiting to see if your abusive husband is really going to change.

Stage FourHelena KnowltonJune 13, 2019marriage, boundaries, Will He ChangeComment

Will He Change?

Will he change? What does real change look like? What can I do while I’m waiting to see if he’ll change? True change is not just promises of change or small changes in behavior. True change is a transformation of personality and character. I’ve seen it once and here’s what it looks like.

Stage FourHelena KnowltonNovember 29, 2018Will He Change, betrayal, hoovering, love bombing, boundaries Comments

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