How can I know when I "should" put others first and when is it OK to put myself "first"? How do I know if I’m being selfish? My ex-husband constantly told me I was selfish. And I feel guilty a lot. So what is selfish and what isn't?
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Here are many examples of the unhelpful advice that is cookie-cutter “marriage advice” that abused women get from counselors and friends who don’t understand abuse (and is pretty shallow even for a non-abusive marriage.)
If you hear this kind of advice, run the other direction, read my blog, and find help from someone who understands abuse!
Here are many examples of the stupid, unhelpful, and even dangerous advice that the Christian church and culture gives to abused women.
If you hear this kind of advice, run the other direction, read my blog, and find help from someone who understands abuse!
“I’m out so why aren’t I happy? I thought I would feel better by now.” “I feel like something must be wrong with me.” “I have such anxiety about making a decision, being alone, not trusting myself, missing out on life, parenting.”
These are the pain-filled things I hear survivors say so often. And the worst part is that underneath the pain is the fear that they’re doing something wrong that’s keeping them from healing. We do everything we know to heal; we pray, we try to change our false beliefs and thoughts, we even go to counseling. And we find some relief. But down deep we’re still struggling.
After many years of being blamed for my suffering, I came to understand that I could hardly expect the church to know how to heal abuse when they barely even acknowledge it. We need a path to healing and the level of help that’s equal to to the level of injury.
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I hate that feeling of being triggered- the confusion, the depression, the anxiety, the inner conflict. Feeling so uncomfortable in your own skin. Wishing it would go away and there could be a bit of peace again. Most survivors can easily get triggered whether there’s a COVID quarantine going on or not. All it takes is seeing our ex, or an old friend who betrayed us and sided with our abuser. Or going to church. Or having our child act like our ex. Or hearing a song.
We don’t have to live that way.
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The trauma you’ve experienced from abuse has caused long lasting effects on your body and brain. In order to heal from abuse, it’s important to understand how this has affected your thoughts, feelings, healing, and everyday responses to life.
As you read this I hope you’ll get a glimpse of why the abuse you’ve gone through has changed you from a peaceful, compassionate person into a nervous, anxious, panicked, confused, self-doubting mess. It’s not your fault!
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Survivors answer these questions: How did you come to realize that your husband’s covert emotional and psychological abuse was intentional? Before this, did you believe he was unaware, wounded, or some other thing that made you give him the benefit of the doubt over and over? When you realized the abuse was intentional, how did this change things for you?
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Am I really being abused? Why do I keep wondering? Why do I constantly doubt myself? To make good choices for yourself and to fully heal from abuse, you need to understand what is happening in your mind and in your brain that causes your confusion.
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Have you ever wondered “Why did I attract / choose an abuser?” Have you wondered if you’re co-dependent? Have you been reading articles that encourage you to do deep soul-searching to find your part in being abused?
Ouch! Take a deep breath and read on because I want to set you free from that guilt and self-blame. You’ve had enough of it from your abuser (and probably from your church).
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You were abused because you were targeted by a character disordered, skilled abuser who presented a false persona to fool you into trusting him. Everyone is vulnerable to covert abusers because they are experts at their game. How many people in your life believe your abuser’s a great guy? Probably almost all of them. Are they all co-dependent? I doubt it. Do they all have the traits that you blame yourself for having that “caused you to be abused”? I doubt that too.
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These are the resources outside this website than can be very helpful in understanding and healing from covert abuse.
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Your world has been spinning around in confusion- this roadmap of the stages of healing you’ll go through coming out of emotional and psychological abuse can give you some solid ground to walk on. What stage are you in?
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PTSD can take many forms: anxiety, fear, terror, brain fog, being in a stupor, having a hard time getting off the couch, no motivation, and irritability. Most of the symptoms are probably things that you have blamed yourself for in the past. There are techniques you can learn to handle PTSD when it debilitates you. What helps you calm down?
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You know something is wrong in your marriage and you can’t explain it. You’ve read examples and definitions of emotional abuse and they haven’t described your experience. You wonder “Is it me or is it him?” If you’re confused and feel like you’re on a merry-go-round of emotional pain, frustration and self-doubt, it may be from the mind games, gaslighting and manipulation of covert psychological and emotional abuse.
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