What do we do when we are brokenhearted and afraid for our kids who have turned away from God because of abuse?
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I talk with so many women who are wondering how to heal from their abusive marriage. They feel lost, discouraged, exhausted, and sometimes even hopeless. Here are the most common barriers I see to true, deep healing.
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Our stories as abused women are hero’s stories. They are stories that most people don’t want to hear or acknowledge, but that doesn’t change the reality of their truth, or of who we are.
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“I’m out so why aren’t I happy? I thought I would feel better by now.” “I feel like something must be wrong with me.” “I have such anxiety about making a decision, being alone, not trusting myself, missing out on life, parenting.”
These are the pain-filled things I hear survivors say so often. And the worst part is that underneath the pain is the fear that they’re doing something wrong that’s keeping them from healing. We do everything we know to heal; we pray, we try to change our false beliefs and thoughts, we even go to counseling. And we find some relief. But down deep we’re still struggling.
After many years of being blamed for my suffering, I came to understand that I could hardly expect the church to know how to heal abuse when they barely even acknowledge it. We need a path to healing and the level of help that’s equal to to the level of injury.
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I hate that feeling of being triggered- the confusion, the depression, the anxiety, the inner conflict. Feeling so uncomfortable in your own skin. Wishing it would go away and there could be a bit of peace again. Most survivors can easily get triggered whether there’s a COVID quarantine going on or not. All it takes is seeing our ex, or an old friend who betrayed us and sided with our abuser. Or going to church. Or having our child act like our ex. Or hearing a song.
We don’t have to live that way.
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When times of high stress hit us, and this Corona virus crisis definitely qualifies, it’s challenging for those of us who’ve had abuse in our lives, whether we’re still living with it or not, because of how the abuse has affected our bodies, our brains, and our stress response.
If your anxiety is overwhelming you, you aren’t crazy, weak, stupid, lazy, or failing at trusting God. Here’s a list of 8 things you can do to reduce your stress.
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The trauma you’ve experienced from abuse has caused long lasting effects on your body and brain. In order to heal from abuse, it’s important to understand how this has affected your thoughts, feelings, healing, and everyday responses to life.
As you read this I hope you’ll get a glimpse of why the abuse you’ve gone through has changed you from a peaceful, compassionate person into a nervous, anxious, panicked, confused, self-doubting mess. It’s not your fault!
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“It’s gossip to talk about abuse.” “You need to love your husband unconditionally.” “Love covers a multitude of sins.” “Keep no record of wrongs.” “Think on good things.”
Women are being told how to be “godly” in their marriage by pastors and well-meaning Christians who don’t understand psychological and emotional abuse, or how God’s wants us to respond to spousal abuse. They are telling us things that aren’t true.
The reason we’re susceptible to these lies is because we want to be godly, we want to have a pure heart, and we want to be loving. In fact, we want to be, and are, all the things that they are accusing us of not being.
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“You need to give God time to work in his heart.” “You need to pray harder.” “God says wives must be submissive.” “You need to give him sex.” “You need to have empathy for your husband’s failings.”
Many of the lies we’re told as wives treat men as if they need us to take responsibility for their walk with God, we need to help men with their “normal man issues” (ie lust), we have to treat them with kid gloves, we have to accept their emotional immaturity, and we have to behave perfectly or they just can’t help themselves from being “harsh” with us.
Why is it okay for Christian men to have fragile egos, to be out of control with their sexual lust, to be immature in their own relationships with God, to be emotionally clueless, and to have to be taken care of like children?
Let’s take a look at some of the damaging rubbish covertly abused women have been told about their roles in their husbands lives.
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Am I really being abused? Why do I keep wondering? Why do I constantly doubt myself? To make good choices for yourself and to fully heal from abuse, you need to understand what is happening in your mind and in your brain that causes your confusion.
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Your world has been spinning around in confusion- this roadmap of the stages of healing you’ll go through coming out of emotional and psychological abuse can give you some solid ground to walk on. What stage are you in?
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PTSD can take many forms: anxiety, fear, terror, brain fog, being in a stupor, having a hard time getting off the couch, no motivation, and irritability. Most of the symptoms are probably things that you have blamed yourself for in the past. There are techniques you can learn to handle PTSD when it debilitates you. What helps you calm down?
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You know something is wrong in your marriage and you can’t explain it. You’ve read examples and definitions of emotional abuse and they haven’t described your experience. You wonder “Is it me or is it him?” If you’re confused and feel like you’re on a merry-go-round of emotional pain, frustration and self-doubt, it may be from the mind games, gaslighting and manipulation of covert psychological and emotional abuse.
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