8 Steps to Take When You Can't Talk Yourself Out of Anxiety or Being Triggered

When times of high stress hit us, it’s challenging for those of us who’ve had abuse in our lives, whether we’re still living with it or not, because of how the abuse has affected our bodies, our brains, and our stress response.

Our body and brain have become dysregulated by the abuse, and so we’re easily thrown off center during times of high stress. Our stress load is like a cup that’s already full from the trauma and the healing process so, when we have additional stress, it overflows easily and we feel overwhelmed.

Everyday in the news we hear messages that trigger fear, but as survivors we hear those messages in our personal lives too: an email from our attorney with bad news, a text from our soon-to-be-ex that triggers us, a pastor telling us we can’t divorce because “it’s sin.” (it’s not sin, by the way).

Fear messages trigger us, the panic starts along with racing thoughts, we feel muddled in our brain and short tempered with our kids, and we want to lash out, run away, or climb into bed and zone out. We might even get stress headaches, and feel exhausted, hopeless, and depressed.

When I was separated and going through my divorce, I was often in a state of panic. I didn’t know what he was going to do, I expected the worst, and I was terrified about finances. I’d pray every day and that often helped, but the panic would always return. I’d try to tell myself it would be okay, but I had a hard time believing it because I was just So. Scared. All. The. Time.

I wish I’d understood that this was a normal fight/flight/freeze reaction happening because of all the trauma I’d been through, and that my physical fear response was overriding my thinking brain.

I wish I’d had the tools to manage all the dysregulation in my body and brain that was driving the anxiety.

I wish I’d known that I wasn’t crazy, weak, stupid, lazy, or failing in trusting God when my fear wasn’t kept under control with prayer and thinking positive thoughts.

So let me tell YOU that if your anxiety is overwhelming you, you aren’t crazy or weak or stupid or lazy or failing at trusting God.

In fact, something that will help is to learn about self-regulation skills. Here’s a list of 8 things you can do to get started with self-regulation:

1 Understand what’s happening in your body and know that it’s normal

Read my article on how trauma affects us so you can know what your body is going through when you get triggered into survival mode.

Remember that your fight/flight/freeze response is kicking in. When you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and foggy brained, your emotional and fear brain is taking over and your body is being flooded with stress hormones and pumping out that adrenaline you feel.

Pay attention to when you are feeling angry, avoidant, shutdown, or overwhelmed, and begin self-regulating as soon as you can.

Reduce the amount of bad news and scary things you are being exposed to, especially online. Remember that your stress load is like a cup, and when a stressful situation is happening, your cup is already full and you don’t want add anymore if you can help it.

2 Acknowledge your feelings instead of resisting them

Give yourself grace and be extra compassionate with yourself for the difficult situation you’re in and the painful feelings you’re having.

When we resist our pain, it increases.

When we have compassion on ourselves, it calms it.

3 Know thE difference between your brain and your mind

Your brain is an organ that’s responding to stress before it’s processed by your thoughts. When your brain gets dysregulated from fear and stress, the logic and problem solving parts of your brain are going offline or slowing way down. This affects your thoughts and ability to process cognitively. You need to quiet your body’s stress response and the alarm and emotional parts of your brain first.

Your body and brain are fully connected, so things you do to calm your body will calm your brain, and vice versa.

Calming your brain will help you calm your thoughts. We get the best results when we work on our body and brain before we try to change our thoughts.

4 Use regulating tools to calm down your body

Read my article on some simple techniques you can use to reduce your anxiety.

Notice how your fear affects your body. Do your shoulders tighten? Does your gut clench? Is it harder to breathe? Consciously relax the tension in that part of your body.

Shorter doses of regulation throughout the day will lower your overall stress better than one longer setting because your nervous system is responsive to each moment. Use the tools when you begin to feel triggered.

Know that it takes times to retrain our bodies to relax, so give the tools time to work. The more often you use them, the more quickly your body will respond.

In the Arise Healing Program and Community you can learn over 20 different tools to calm your triggers and heal your trauma.

5 Focus on the choices you can make

Understand that your brain will focus on the problem in an attempt to keep you safe but when we focus on what we can’t control, it increases our anxiety and reduces our ability to problem solve.

~ Make a list of what you don’t have control over and what you do have control over.
~ Give the list of what you can’t control to God (as often as you need to).
~ Then make a list of what you can choose to do about the things you do have control over.
~ Decide the one next thing you will do so you can keep moving forward.

I want you to feel empowered to make choices, and you can.

It’s important when things are unpredictable around you to create predictability in your own life as much as you can. When we are traumatized, the time-keeper in our brain goes offline and we feel like this will last forever. Schedule self-care, meals, sleep, exercise and anything else you can to give yourself a sense of empowerment and of time passing.

When you  get overwhelmed with racing thoughts and fear:

~ Notice where the tension is in your body and soften those areas.
~ Do some deep breathing or use other tools.
~ Accept rather than resist the anxiety.
~ Hug yourself (or do the butterfly hug) and feel compassion for yourself.
~ Take a few minutes to focus on the love you have in your life from friends and Jesus, and focus on a few things you are grateful for.
~ Throughout the day, every time you think of what’s making you anxious, hug yourself and say “I love myself,” or “Jesus loves me,” “I am safe,” “I will get through this.”
~ Remember a past experience when you felt empowered and bring that feeling to this moment, visualizing yourself being strong, courageous, and rising up.
~ Make a list of the lies that you are believing that are increasing your fear and counteract them with truth.

6 Realize the importance of social support

Although we can regulate ourselves, another valuable way to calm down is through “co-regulating” by talking with someone who calms you down.

Talk to a friend who is supportive, encouraging, and calming.

Join an online group that is supportive and focused on healing such as the Arise Healing Community.

7 increase your self care

Being triggered makes us feel as though we aren’t in charge of ourselves, and that adds to our fear.

Taking charge with self-leadership, even by doing small things each day, is very empowering and, over time, begins to counteracts feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Self care ideas:

~ Rest as much as you can and try to slow your life down.
~ Use the calming tools often, and stop and breathe deeply regularly for several minutes.
~ Learn about trauma regulation and healing tools for your specific PTSD reactions.
~ Join Arise and heal your trauma so you can live at peace.
~ Make sure you are getting good nutrition.
~ Do some enjoyable movement every day. Lack of bodily movement increases our sense of helplessness, so movement is empowering.
~ Take more hot baths.
~ Be sure to drink lots of water.
~ Get enough restful sleep.
~ Walk in the grass in bare feet/be in nature as much as possible.
~ Listen to music and move with it to engage your body.
~ Spend some time just resting in the presence of Jesus.
~ Find scriptures that help you remember who you are in Jesus, and who He is in you, and take Him as the supply for your need.
~ Search for joy and things to be grateful for in your daily life, no matter how small it is.
~ Think of at least one blessing that can come from this time.
~ Do things you find fun like a crafts, reading, being outside, and watching funny videos.

8 Pay attention to the present moment

Practice awareness of the present moment through mindfulness. For example, when you’re brushing your teeth, pay attention to how it feels in your mouth and the water temperature. When walking, notice how your body feels and what you see, hear, touch, smell, and feel in your body.

Really stop, breathe, and focus on what’s true right now. Think about the ways you are safe right now in this moment.

Spend time focusing on little moments of beauty and calm. Notice that nature is still doing her thing, the birds are singing, and the sky is blue, your kids are laughing, and your pets are cuddling.

When we take the time to let ourselves rest, and take the time to allow ourselves to self-regulate, taking positive action for ourselves is so much easier.

I am utterly confident in Jesus’ ability to carry you through this and bring beauty from the ashes. As hard as it was at the time, I am so grateful for all the healing I’ve done from the trauma of my life. I wish that for you too.

I believe in you and your ability to make it through this.

If you’d like to join other women of faith in their journey of healing from the trauma of spiritual abuse and emotional and psychological spousal abuse, and learn practical tools for healing, you can read about the Arise Healing Community here.