Why Did You Even Bother to Wrap That? Abusers and Their Gifts
I was laughing recently with some other survivors of emotional and psychological spousal abuse over the stupid, weird, and crappy gifts we got from our abusers. I took that discussion to our private Confusion to Clarity Facebook community and over 360 women commented. Clearly, this is a topic that most of us can relate to.
For those of you who are free from your abusive marriage, you can probably look back at the dumb gifts you got, shake your head, and laugh.
For those of you who are still married, those thoughtless, selfish gifts (or none at all) are a painful reminder that you’re in a loveless, damaging marriage.
As you think about the gifts you’ve gotten, reflect what an abusers’ intentions are:
~ to make you feel bad about yourself
~ to confuse you
~ to disappoint you
~ to keep you on edge and guessing
~ to insult you and make you feel worthless
~ to take care of his own interests
~ to not put himself out
~ to retaliate if he’s mad at you
Yes, sometimes abusers give very thoughtful, and even expensive gifts, especially if they are in the re-grooming stage. But often their gifts are insulting, useless, and even covertly aggressive.
So let’s take a look at a sampling of abusive husband’s gifts to the women in our Facebook community so you can see that you are not alone and that his gifts aren’t a reflection of you at all- they are all about who he is.
Gifts that are all about him
A new set of clippers for me to give HIM a haircut.
Everything he ever gave me were things he liked, and he usually ended up taking them from me.
Power tools that he kept “safe” for me and I was not allowed to use.
For my birthday one year I received a beautiful white blouse, size 2x. I wear a small. He wanted me to be “modest.”
A DVD player. I don't watch movies.
This gift was “Just Because.” He left a “Love Dare” book in the microwave for me because he knew I used it every morning to heat up my coffee. We were struggling in our marriage because of HIS abuse, but I guess he wanted to dare me to love him better.
He bought me trading cards from a video game and then when he found out one of them was rare, he sold it online and I didn't even get the money!
A stereo for himself.
A chocolate bar that he then ate.
An electric weed sprayer that worked off a battery that charged his power tools. He gave it to me a week after my birthday which also happened to be the same day he broke the one we had.
Men's golf clubs. Yep, nice ones too. Hmmm, let me think – I wonder who in the house played golf? Not me.
An EZ pass because he needed it to get to work.
A fishing pole that he wanted. And a dancing stuffed animal that he thought was funny and creeped me out.
A new washing machine (which we didn't really need) that he put on a credit card...a credit card that I was responsible for paying off every month.
My h will buy me the same thing he bought himself. He literally got me men's shoes because if he got some for me then he could get them for himself.
A vibrator... he didn’t buy me much, but he spent a lot on that. I didn’t ask for it. As it turned out, that was his “ signature” gift for any woman he was with.
He bought me a gold plated “M” with a chain to wear around my neck. The “M” was the first initial of his name.
A new iPhone and laptop I didn’t ask for or need. I didn’t know why he gave them to me until I started planning to leave him months later and realized they were both installed with keystroke tracking hidden apps and geolocation trackers.
Just stupid, thoughtless, or even mean gifts
Pink Himalayan salt ... two 5 lb bags.
A 99 cent wall charger from a thrift store.
A windup flashlight and a 5 gallon tin of popcorn.
For our ninth anniversary, he gave me a lid for a Tervis Tumbler!!!
For my birthday, he gave me an orange mechanical pencil (probably 1.99 at Walmart) and an empty cassette tape (CDs and iPods were the norm).
Cleaning kit for eye glasses. I wear contacts.
For Christmas, I got a rock.
He gave my 12 year old son a toaster for Christmas.
Socket sets two years in a row. From Walmart.
Every year I got wire clothes hangers and mouse traps. Every single year.
A Shepherd’s crook. Yes.... you read that right. We had no sheep.
For my 60th birthday, he gave me an umbrella.
An empty coffee container.
Cheap stuffed animals. And then would get angry and resentful if I didn’t sleep with them.
A dancing, singing Christmas moose.
Perfume. Every year.
A box of tissues.
A sweatshirt that said “Wifey” on it and a sweatshirt that said “Husband Obsessed” on it.
A wooden baby girl book from Hallmark and a rainbow bright zippered pouch.
I had such bad morning sickness and constantly spit saliva. He got me a spittoon for Christmas. And some animal print thong panties.
For Christmas one year he bought me a big cloth baby doll.
Used earrings.
On our first Christmas together, I was gifted with an ironing board.
I got a new toilet for Christmas one year.
Mermaid blue eyeshadow from the $5 gift bin from Walmart.
A super cheap looking valentines set shipped from Amazon... and a few days late. Plastic flower, dollar store-looking mug, and a cheesy stuffed animal.
A new bundle of rope made from soft fiber in a cute bag. I had been complaining about painful marks from the scratchy stuff.
I asked for a camera because I didn’t have one and we had just had our first baby so I wanted to take photos (we didn’t have fancy phones). He got me an iPod. I already had an iPod.
For the first Christmas after the divorce was finalized, he gave me candles and a “Baby's First Christmas” ornament. I didn’t have a baby.
I wanted whisks with a nice handles. Only $6, but he bought the cheap knockoffs at .89. Same with the roasting pan (bought a cheap aluminum one) and the bread machine (Goodwill, didn’t work).
Pizza - when I was dairy free while breastfeeding because our daughter was allergic.
18 Twix bars and I’m on a health food kick.
A huge heart of chocolate mint candies. Would have been great but I was on a diet.
I have Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. It's a debilitating illness where toxins in fragrance can cause me mild to severe reactions similar to a peanut allergic reaction. He gave me one gift. A bottle of cologne.
A used wheelbarrow.
He refused to give my gift to me on Christmas (or my birthday). It was always weeks ahead of time. Also, he would either throw the gift at my face as he walked in the door or leave it in a random place for me to find when he wasn’t around.
Gifts that required as little effort as possible
A duplicate of a pair of earrings he had already given me.
An IOU for a gift and nice day on a different day that often didn't ever come.
Last year before Christmas my ex and I went shopping on Black Friday and we bought a Roomba. On Christmas Day my gift from him was the Roomba’s empty box wrapped as a gift.
A small, junky dresser he got for free on the side of the road. It was very broken and irreparable.
A bag of nuts and corn nuts obviously from a gas station.
I once got a card for our anniversary that he didn't even sign... just a blank card.
Clothes from second hand stores, as well as a fleece jacket he picked up from the side of the road.
A plaid shirt from a supermarket for my birthday. I told him I didn't want it, and then he tried giving it to me again for Christmas.
One year he bought me a $1 gift for our anniversary then took it out of the closet 4 months later and gave it to me for my birthday.
Once he "forgot" to get me anything for my birthday. He mentioned to his coworker that he had to stop for a card on the way home from work. His coworker had one stashed in his desk that he gave him. So I got a very generic birthday card that was even yellowed from age.
He gave me strawberries (from the grocery store, not chocolate covered) and a card for Mother’s Day. I cried so to make it better he got me a KFC meal which I ate alone at our kitchen counter because he was too frugal to by a meal for himself and eat with me.
A candle holder from Glade. It held special magnet oil candles but he didn’t buy the candles.
No gifts at all
He never gave me anything. He doesn't celebrate holidays.
Our first Christmas he planned for months my gift. I haven’t received one since. No birthday gifts, no anniversary gifts. Nothing.
Nothing. “You have me. What else do you need?”
If you’re still hurting from awful gifts, I hope that the day will come soon when you’ll have loving people in your life who would never dream of hurting you in this way.
If you are out of the abuse, I hope that you’re able to laugh at the ridiculousness of a husband who gave you gifts like this. Truly, he’s a selfish moron who never appreciated what a treasure he had in you.
If you’ve experienced covert psychological spousal abuse, come join our private Facebook group for women of faith who are covert emotional and psychological abuse survivors!
If you’d like to join other women of faith in their journey of healing from the trauma of spiritual abuse and emotional and psychological spousal abuse, and learn practical tools for healing, you can read about the Arise Healing Community here.