"I Thought I'd Feel Better By Now"
“I’m out so why aren’t I happy? I thought I’d feel better by now.”
“Why do I still feel so worthless and insecure?”
“I’m empty inside.”
“I still get triggered.”
“I have such anxiety about making a decision, being alone, not trusting myself, missing out on life, parenting.”
“I feel like something must be wrong with me.”
“Positive thinking and meditating on God’s Word and who I am in Him isn’t working. It’s just so hard to hang on to and nothing seems to stick.”
“I often feel like because I ‘know’ so much and am aware of what is going on, it’s my fault that I am not continually getting better. I make some progress then something occurs and I fall away from whatever good I’ve managed to accomplish.”
These are the pain-filled things I hear survivors say so often. And the worst part is that underneath their pain is the fear that they are doing something wrong that’s keeping them from healing.
There are so many of us never feel like ourselves after abuse.
We do everything we know to heal; we pray, we try to change our false beliefs and thoughts, we even go to counseling. And we find some relief. But down deep we are still struggling.
Sometimes our attempts at getting better feel like a bike chain that keeps skipping on the cogs and we don’t feel like we can get a grip on our healing.
Over time shame and self-condemnation plague us because we’re sure that we are the problem, or we’re broken for good, and we end up in a horrible battle with ourselves which just makes things worse.
That was my experience. I prayed all the time and Jesus did a lot of work in me. I was in talk therapy but couldn’t understand why I still struggled so much after the divorce. I’d undone a lot of lies, and tried my best to feel good about myself and hang on to who I am in Christ, but deep down I just wasn’t at peace with myself or life. I’d get triggered and talk myself down but then I’d get triggered again, rinse and repeat.
I remember thinking, “Is life supposed to be this hard? Why can’t I feel peace? Jesus, why won’t you just fix me?”
If you’re feeling this way, I want you to know that you aren’t the problem and you don’t need to be afraid of yourself. You don’t have too little faith and you aren’t in sin.
So Why Do I Feel Like This?
This emotional instability is common after abuse. Abuse causes us lose touch with our core sense of self.
Even after we leave, we think we’ve lost our inner resources because we couldn’t “manage” the marriage and can’t find healing. But NO ONE can manage an abusive marriage. It wasn’t you or your inability. It was him. You still have the inner resources you need to heal!
Healing isn’t hard because of something you are doing wrong, but because of unhealed psychological trauma. This makes it hard to regulate your emotions, which is why you’re easily triggered. It also leaves you with anxiety, despair, emptiness, feeling disconnected from yourself, unsafe, and many other trauma symptoms.
As a member of our Facebook Community said, “I had a ‘positive’ interaction with my soon-to-be-ex yesterday, but this morning I woke up anxious and nervous. It's like my body has recall around the old patterns.” She’s right, our bodies do have that recall.
When we are abused our body gets stuck in the trauma state. It’s not a choice, it’s a survival mechanism. That state continues long after we leave because our body and brain are dysregulated, like an engine that gets stuck either revving really high all the time, or unable to start.
For many of us, we can’t unrev or start the engine with our thoughts. We have to do it by gently getting our body and brain regulated again, and getting back to a calm state.
“Traumatic stress has little to do with cognition—it emanates from the emotional part of the brain that is rewired to constantly send out messages of dangers and distress, with the result that it becomes difficult to feel fully alive in the present.
This is not about something you think or something you figure out. This is about your body having been reset to interpret the world as a terrifying place and yourself as being unsafe. It has nothing to do with cognition. You can say, ‘You shouldn’t feel that way,’ or, ‘You’re not a bad person,’ or, ‘It wasn’t your fault.’ And the traumatized person says, ‘I know that, but I still feel like it is.’ ”
Certainly there are some women can leave an abusive marriage, grieve, change their thoughts, renew their mind, redevelop a sense of self-worth, and move on and rebuild their life. That’s wonderful!
But for many women, the abuse broke our connection to our self in very deep ways that don’t seem to heal with understanding and talking about it. We feel better being out of the abuse but we can’t find the deep healing we are looking for.
Of survivors of narcissistic abuse, research shows that 90% have trauma symptoms and 70% develop PTSD.
The Church Doesn’t Understand
Unfortunately the church doesn’t yet understand trauma or recognize that our dysregulated brain influences our thoughts and feelings, and that we need much more than prayer and awareness to heal. In fact, many therapists don’t either, and don’t have skills to help their clients for whom cognitive therapy isn’t working. Although scientific trauma research has been happening for decades, it’s not yet taught in most counseling programs, and it’s certainly not taught in seminaries.
I had a “broken brain,” yet no one in Christianity understood this. I had PTSD yet I was blamed for my responses. That would be like telling a war vet that his startle reflex when he hears a car backfire is sin.
After many years of being blamed for my suffering, I came to understand that I could hardly expect the church to know how to heal abuse when they barely even acknowledge it.
We need a path to healing and the level of help that’s equal to the level of injury including:
Understanding how trauma has affected us – our body and brain as well as our thoughts and emotions.
Tools that are proven to work with trauma for healing the dysregulation in our body and calming the trauma reactions and triggers so we can regulate our emotions and stabilize our inner world.
Tools that help us heal our brain so we can renew our mind, and undo lies with truth that sticks.
Reconnecting with ourselves and creating emotional safety in our relationship with ourselves.
Becoming our own hero by connecting with our inner strength and courage– with what’s right with us– and by knowing we can rely on ourselves.
Building on our strength– the very things that the abuser exploited like our commitment, loyalty, trust, tenderheartedness, compassion, and dependability– and turn these toward our selves.
Rediscovering that the inner resources and abilities we think we’ve lost are still with us, and learn to use them in our healing.
Developing self-care that’s specific for trauma.
Healing from trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance.
Learning how to have compassion on ourselves and release ourselves from blame and guilt.
Building up our sense of self-worth and undo lies we’ve believed about ourselves.
Learning how to set boundaries from self-worth rather than fear and protection.
Learning to process feelings of grief, betrayal, anger, and devastation.
Healing spiritual abuse and our relationship with the real Jesus.
Finding purpose and meaning for our life again.
And a safe community where we’re seen and heard, treated with compassion and understanding, and held in each other’s hearts.
The Arise Healing Community provides all of this along with a guided healing journey for our heart, mind, emotions, body/brain and spirit.
I know that you’ve done your best to find a way to heal.
I know that God loves you deeply.
I know that the abuse has blinded you to how amazing, strong, and capable you really are.
I know that it really is possible to live in peace with yourself and with life.
A few related articles you may find helpful:
How Trauma Affects Your Brain, Body, Thoughts, Feelings, and Healing
Abuse Warps our Sense of Self
Why You’re So Confused by Covert Abuse
You are a Hero!
If you’d like to join other women of faith in their journey of healing from the trauma of spiritual abuse and emotional and psychological spousal abuse, and learn practical tools for healing, you can read about the Arise Healing Community here.
Wondering how to heal?
This free download will help you understand the first steps you can take to heal.
Here’s a podcast about healing from abuse that you will find helpful.