Ditch this Unhelpful Marriage Advice
I recently polled the thousands of marital abuse survivors I support in my online world and asked them, “What was the worst advice you were given when trying to get help to deal with your abusive marriage?”
I got hundreds of answers. So much bad advice that it took two articles to cover them all.
In the article below I share the unhelpful advice that is cookie-cutter “marriage advice” that we get from counselors and friends who don’t understand abuse (and is pretty shallow even for a non-abusive marriage).
In this article I share the stupid, unhelpful, and even dangerous advice that comes from the Christian church and culture.
If you hear this kind of advice, run the other direction and find help from someone who understands abuse! Believing these things will:
• keep you confused
• keep you blaming yourself for things that are not your responsibility
• keep you trying to solve “problems” that you have no power to fix
• keep you stuck in abuse
Common advice from counselors who are untrained and ignorant about abusers.
“Maybe if you guys had more date nights or went on more couples trips, he would be better to you.”
"He's so self-absorbed, we have to find a way to get him to notice you. Maybe sexy red lingerie?"
"If you weren't raised in a house where people raised their voices, you just need to get used to that."
“Make him feel more valued.”
“Let your inner children play and rediscover each other.”
“You need to work on your codependency.”
“Show him how nice life is with you.”
"Well, deep down he must really love you."
“Set boundaries” was the stupidest advice! It should have been “Create a safe escape plan!” Setting boundaries only got me punished and increased the level of abuse.
I was told that I enabled him to act that way.
She asked that I give her a written statement of all the good things he did.
“Just learn to detach. When he does X, just leave the room.”
“He is responding from his childhood trauma. Learn his triggers and work around them.”
“All couples have fights (problems, issues).”
I was told that while my (now ex) husband's actions qualified as abusive, he wasn't an abuser. I was advised to view him separately from his (repeated and ongoing) actions.
A social worker suggested we should work together in the kitchen and cook a meal together so that we could bond and work on our relationship.
“You’re not giving him enough attention. He is feeling neglected. That’s why he’s acting that way and being mean. You just need to pamper him, and he’ll be OK.”
"When your husband gets home after work, or on weekends when he's home, sit him down, pat him on his knee, and ask him, 'How would you like me to love you tonight/today?'"
“No marriage/relationship is perfect.”
"Well, it's normal for men to fantasize about having sex with young women, so long as he is having sex with you, what does it matter if he is fantasizing in his mind? He's not living he's fantasies out in real life. Centuries ago, it was normal for men to wed women as young as 12. And it is absolutely normal for men to fantasize about having sex with 12-year-old girl, so long as they don't act on it."
“He didn’t mean it.”
I was told to try to become a better friend to him with hopes he might develop feelings for me again.
From family and friends
“Oh well, it takes two to tango.”
"You made your bed, now you have to lie in it."
“I know him and he would not do those things.”
“He was just drunk. He is a great guy when he is sober.”
"Don't be so hard on him."
"There are two sides to every story." (I wish I had said, “Yeah, the truth and the lie.”)
“This a communication problem, you need marriage counseling together.”
"Maybe he doesn't know he does it."
“Just don’t let him treat you like that!”
“You must feel so lonely. He is probably lonely too.”
"It's not as bad as what I went through (with my ex's father)."
They told me I must have done something wrong or I must be viewing the situation incorrectly.
“He is a great guy, he just has a bit of a temper.”
My “friend” asked me what things was I doing wrong in the marriage.
"I'm sure the pain he is causing is unintentional." (How do you unintentionally have sex with someone who is not your wife? How do you unintentionally keep hurting someone when they're crying and begging you to stop?)
“What if in 6 months one of you dies?”
“Why didn't you leave sooner?”
“I can't offer you advice because I don't know his story.”
"But he provides for you."
"Nobody's perfect."
“What are you doing to make him mad?”
“At least he isn't physically abusive. Look on the bright side.”
"Just go buy yourself a new shirt."
"The kids will suffer."
"You're having a mid-life crisis."
"You just had a baby and you shouldn't make any major life decisions after that. You are not thinking straight"
“JUST calm down.”
“JUST stop complaining.”
“At least he doesn't go to nudie bars.”
“Maybe he wouldn’t sleep around or cheat on you if you had sex with him more often.”
I was told to just “pretend he’s out of town.”
“He’s a man and has ‘needs'; give him sex as often as he asks. It doesn’t matter if you have a headache or have had a hard day, he needs the release. Besides, if you give to him, he’ll respond by being more helpful around the house. Never say no - unless you really are sick.”
“Did you tell him xyz was a problem?”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“It does not matter how emotionally vulnerable you feel, you need marriage counseling.”
“You need to let things go.”
“Think only on positive thoughts.”
What’s the worst advice you’ve heard? Feel free to leave a comment below.
If you want some GOOD advice, check out all my articles here.
If you’re ready for a powerful journey of healing from the trauma of spiritual abuse and emotional and psychological spousal abuse, and want learn practical tools for healing, you can read about the Arise Healing Community here.