Damaging Marriage Advice that Abused Christian Women Should Ignore
I recently polled the thousands of spousal abuse survivors I support in my online world and asked them, “What was the worst advice you were given when trying to get help to deal with your abusive marriage?”
I got hundreds of answers. So much bad advice that it took two articles to cover them all.
In the article below I share the unhelpful and even dangerous advice that comes from the Christian church and culture.
In this article I share the unhelpful advice that is cookie-cutter “marriage advice” that we get from counselors and friends who don’t understand abuse (and is pretty shallow even for a non-abusive marriage.)
If you hear this kind of advice, run the other direction and find help from someone who understands abuse! Believing these things will:
• keep you confused
• keep you blaming yourself for things that are not your responsibility
• keep you trying to solve “problems” that you have no power to fix
• keep you stuck in abuse
And this advice may lead you into a faith crisis like so many women before you.
Much of this advice came from pastors. 🙄😥😡
Making it your fault
“You need to repent of your sin of having put a roof over these behaviors and allowing it to continue for all these years.”
"Show him more respect. Watch your tone when you speak to him. If you speak more respectfully to him, he'll respond in a positive way."
“God did warn you about him before you married him, you just didn't pay attention.”
“Have you ever asked yourself why your husband watches pornography? The problem lies with you.”
“I know your husband is abusive, but I don’t have a problem with that. I have a problem with the fact that you react. If you did not react, there would be no problem.”
"What did you do to cause him to do that to you?"
"Your anxiety issues are at least 90% of the marriage problems."
I reported marital rape (illegal in my state) to the Director of the Counseling & Equipping Ministry and he said, “but you let him.”
Because I was confused and not sure what the right thing was to do, and whether it was going to grieve God’s heart if I divorced, I was told I’d “made an idol out of being right.”
I contacted the police due to him being physically violent towards me and my pastor’s response was "Christians do not call the police on one another. I suggest you apologize for your wrong-doing towards your husband."
Because of what I was told, I came to believe that his behavior was not changing because MY prayers for him had stopped.
I was told that my “love dried up.”
"All of your troubles that you are facing right now, it's because of your hardened heart. You will see that once you forgive your enemies, all of troubles, will disappear and you will experience an abundant life.”
My pastor told me he didn’t think what I was telling him was true and said woman in menopause sometimes have breaks from what’s real and what’s not.
After my husband left our kids and me for another woman, a pastor told me I must not have been keeping him interested enough in me. He asked if my husband had asked my parents for their blessing before we got engaged. When I said no, he told me it was our fault I was in the situation I was in. He went so far as to say, “shame on you and shame on your parents.”
“You need to clean your house better. Let me give you house cleaning lessons.” (from a pastor’s wife)
“The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
“I don't know what's going on, but let me give you some admonition.”
“Don't give any energy to his affair.”
"I will not sit here and listen to you shame your husband."
"Have you prayed about it?"
“Don't be bitter.” “If you trust in the Lord, you won't be bitter.”
“Job never ever complained about his situation, he only trusted God. Talking about your problems and pain only makes you look like you want attention and pity.”
Rooted in legalism
“You said in your vows for better or for worse. This is the for worse part.”
I was told that if there is no way I can stay, have I considered getting just a separation and not a divorce.
"Sorry you're in a bad marriage. But biblically I cannot advise you to leave."
“This is gossip and so wrong.”
“You're sowing seeds of discord.”
“Death is the only way out of this marriage.”
Our “pastor” told me that God might kill my husband, but I could never divorce him.
I was told by a pastor that I couldn't remarry unless my ex either had sex with another woman or remarried.
“Yes, your husband is a monster. But you cannot divorce him. God hates divorce and I have never met one happy divorced person."
I was told that saying that my spouse was abusive and unfaithful was sin.
“How can I help you with reconciliation?”
Making sex an idol
“Sex is the glue that keeps a marriage together.”
“Give all your love and even sex to him, as you are honoring the Lord. It doesn’t have to be for him, but do it all for God.”
My pastor told me to have more sex with him so he would be able to better manage his porn problem, depression, anger etc. and save our marriage.
A pastor told me that the reason my husband cheated on me after having our son was because I had been on strict bedrest during my high-risk pregnancy and "couldn't be a wife to him."
I was told that my body is no longer my own, so I need to give my husband whatever he wants, whenever he wants, no matter how I feel. I was struggling with not enjoying my husband's fettish, and I was told I need to give it to God, and ask Him to take those negative feelings away.
Ignorance about wickedness
“You need to take him back because he is sorry.”
I was told to bury stakes with scriptures on the corners of our property to “deliver” him.
“Love the unlovely.”
“It's possible for a wolf in sheep's clothing to be a Christian.”
“Does he believe in Jesus?”
“We all are sinners.”
“You need to be more forgiving and have fewer expectations.”
“The first year of marriage is really hard. It takes a lot of hard work and grace.”
“Don't speak ill of anyone (especially your husband).”
“Learn to be like Jesus. Don't defend yourself.”
“You need to return to him and be a submissive wife and you might save him.”
“None of this qualifies as abuse.”
"Your issue is one of pride. You both need to humble yourself."
Church leadership told me that they did not want to label him a narcissist, even though they suspected that he was one, because all the literature indicates that narcissists don't change. They said they did not want to put limitations on God's power to change people.
My husband and I had been separated for about 4 months. Our pastor/counselor told me it was time to allow my husband back home because the pastor/counselor believed my husband had changed even though I didn’t.
Sexism and patriarchy
“Be a keeper at home.”
“He is the head of the family. You have to do what he wants.”
“Submit more - if you were doing your role, your marriage would be better.”
My pastor and his wife told me to submit to my husband in everything, even to the point of asking him if it would be okay for me to join an exercise class.
“Do not tell him no.”
My pastor said, "If I had a wife like you, I'd hit you myself."
warped understanding of God
I was told that God can use this situation for my good and that if I stayed with my husband, I could teach a lot of people about what Christlike transformation looks like.
I was told that God is the God of miracles so that meant He would do a miracle in my marriage and in my (now-ex) husband’s heart.
They said I needed to stay and hope and pray - that I couldn’t “give up” because God wanted me to be faithful and patient and persevering.
I was often told I need to submit more, surrender more, encourage and support him more, pray more, trust God to work it all out.
I told my “Christian friend” that God would not want me to stay in my abusive marriage and continue to be harmed. She told me, “Leave God out of this!”
“You need to die to yourself.”
“Be still and know He is God.”
“Be blessed - you get to suffer like Christ.”
“Forgive him and God will bless you. Let’s pray.”
“It's not the weight that breaks us, it's how we carry the weight.”
I was taught that if there is something wrong in a relationship, you learn to suffer well, and always look for where you can learn and grow, instead of trying to change the other person.
I was told my “words are from the pit of hell” when I explained that justice and consequences are sometimes appropriate, including divorce.
“You have to turn the other cheek (7x7).”
"I don't have the experience to deal with this situation. Let's pray."
“I’m praying! God is going to deliver him and give you both a miraculous story to tell.”
Wow.
Over and over and over we are told one very clear (and very wrong) message:
Just be a better wife
What a soul-destroying message.
What’s the worst advice you’ve heard? Feel free to leave a comment below.
If you want some GOOD advice, check out all my articles here.
If you are still confused by the spiritual abuse you suffered,and the lies you’ve been told about how God wants you to respond to abuse, here’s part one of my Unraveling Spiritual Abuse series.
If you’d like to join other women of faith on a powerful journey of healing from the trauma of spiritual abuse and emotional and psychological spousal abuse, and learn practical tools for healing, you can read about the Arise Healing Community here.