When times of high stress hit us, and this Corona virus crisis definitely qualifies, it’s challenging for those of us who’ve had abuse in our lives, whether we’re still living with it or not, because of how the abuse has affected our bodies, our brains, and our stress response.
If your anxiety is overwhelming you, you aren’t crazy, weak, stupid, lazy, or failing at trusting God. Here’s a list of 8 things you can do to reduce your stress.
Read MoreI was laughing recently with some other survivor of emotional and psychological spousal abuse over the stupid, weird, and crappy gifts we got from our abusers. Let’s take a look at a sampling of abuser’s actual gifts so you can see that you are not alone and that his gifts aren’t a reflection of you at all- they are all about who he is.
Read MoreThe trauma you’ve experienced from abuse has caused long lasting effects on your body and brain. In order to heal from abuse, it’s important to understand how this has affected your thoughts, feelings, healing, and everyday responses to life.
As you read this I hope you’ll get a glimpse of why the abuse you’ve gone through has changed you from a peaceful, compassionate person into a nervous, anxious, panicked, confused, self-doubting mess. It’s not your fault!
Read MoreSurvivors answer these questions: How did you come to realize that your husband’s covert emotional and psychological abuse was intentional? Before this, did you believe he was unaware, wounded, or some other thing that made you give him the benefit of the doubt over and over? When you realized the abuse was intentional, how did this change things for you?
Read MoreI recently asked the beautiful survivors in my Confusion to Clarity FB Community “How did you come to know it was okay to divorce as a Christian?” “What helped you make the decision to divorce?”
I was surprised that all the answers I got were about how God guided them to divorce. Yes, God supports divorcing an abuser, and, yes, it’s Biblical to do so no matter what you’re being told by your pastor, elders, or others.
Read MoreI’m delighted to once again share the hard-earned wisdom from other abuse survivors. This time I asked the women in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook Community this question:
How did you come to realize that it was time to separate? What helped you make that decision?
Here are their answers.
Read MoreSome of us get blamed for leaving our marriage, and some of us get blamed for staying so long “if it was that bad.” And most of us get blamed for both. We can’t win.
Instead of blaming the victim/survivor, we should be honoring the strength of all the women who have left against all odds, and the strength of those who are forced to stay until they can find a way out.
Read MoreHere’s the wisdom from many covert emotional and psychological abuse survivors about what they’d have done differently before marriage, during their marriage, and when they realized their husband was an abuser. I hope that every covertly abused woman who is reading these words can learn from what we’ve learned the hard way!
Read MoreHere’s the second installment in my Survivor Wisdom Series. Covert abuse survivors share their advice on what they wish they’d done differently during their separation, divorce, and when talking to family, friends and their church about the abuse. They also share what they wish they’d known about the Christian doctrines that kept them trapped in their marriages.
Read MoreI recently asked the women in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook Community this question: “When you were still hoping he’d change, how did you finally come to realize that he wasn’t going to change? What opened your eyes?” Here are their answers.
Read MoreHere are some tips by survivors about things to do to get clarity while you are waiting to see if your abusive husband is really going to change.
Read MoreBeing abused rocks our faith and understanding of God. We often experience secondary abuse and betrayal by other Christians that is devastating. As we face the evil of abuse our worldview crumbles and we feel like we are reevaluating everything we believe. What challenges have you faced?
Read MoreThere are serious problems, lies, and deceptions in the church that are undermining its ability to represent Christ and fulfill His intentions. These deceptions create much of the spiritual abuse that abused Christian are subjected to. Four of those problems severely impact abused women of faith: bible mistranslations, misogyny, power and the hierarchy church structure, and a refusal to define evil from God’s perspective.
Read More“God allows abuse to happen for a reason” “God is in control of everything (and therefore, everyone)” “God suffered, so you need to suffer too” “Because God is faithful, He will heal your marriage”
Have you heard these lies from Christians when you’ve tried to get help with your emotionally abusive marriage? It’s time to look at the misinformation and brainwashing we’ve been subjected to about who God is.
Read More“It’s gossip to talk about abuse.” “You need to love your husband unconditionally.” “Love covers a multitude of sins.” “Keep no record of wrongs.” “Think on good things.”
Women are being told how to be “godly” in their marriage by pastors and well-meaning Christians who don’t understand psychological and emotional abuse, or how God’s wants us to respond to spousal abuse. They are telling us things that aren’t true.
The reason we’re susceptible to these lies is because we want to be godly, we want to have a pure heart, and we want to be loving. In fact, we want to be, and are, all the things that they are accusing us of not being.
Read More“You have to forgive him because God forgave you.” “He said he was sorry.” “You need to forgive him and put the hurt behind you.” “You’re just being bitter.” “It’s a sin to be angry- you need to forgive.”
When we hear these accusations, we get incredibly confused and start condemning ourselves. We WANT to be Godly, to be forgiving, and to be loving. All too often, rather than supporting us, our advisors and friends create a landmine of accusation that adds to our betrayal and heaps condemnation on us.
Those who accuse us are asking to give up our own safety and sanity to be a “good Christian” because they don’t understand what forgiveness really means in the bible. So let’s look at what forgiveness means, and the lies we’ve been told about it.
“You need to give God time to work in his heart.” “You need to pray harder.” “God says wives must be submissive.” “You need to give him sex.” “You need to have empathy for your husband’s failings.”
Many of the lies we’re told as wives treat men as if they need us to take responsibility for their walk with God, we need to help men with their “normal man issues” (ie lust), we have to treat them with kid gloves, we have to accept their emotional immaturity, and we have to behave perfectly or they just can’t help themselves from being “harsh” with us.
Why is it okay for Christian men to have fragile egos, to be out of control with their sexual lust, to be immature in their own relationships with God, to be emotionally clueless, and to have to be taken care of like children?
Let’s take a look at some of the damaging rubbish covertly abused women have been told about their roles in their husbands lives.
Read More“The man is the head of the household and your covering.” “You need to respect your husband no matter what.” “We are all sinners.” “He’s a Christian.”
Let’s look at the common teachings about husbands that create an atmosphere that promotes and justifies abuse.
Read More“Marriage is not meant to make you happy, it’s meant to make you holy.” “God hates divorce.” “Marriage is a sacred oath, till death do us part.” “You have to save the marriage, even if you’re the only one trying.” “You need marriage counseling.” “It’s bad for the kids to leave because they need a father.”
Covertly abused women of faith are torn to shreds over having to get a divorce and it’s an agonizing decision that no woman takes lightly. We stick with our marriages for years and years past the point of hope. We pay for that with our emotional and mental well-being, and our physical health. And these are some lies that have kept us in this bondage.
Read More“Your feelings lie to you.” “Just get on with your life.” “Just renew your mind.” “You don’t have enough faith.” “Rejoice in all things.” “God is all you need.”
When we are being covertly emotional and psychologically abused, our husband is creating an unpredictable environment for us, and inducing instability into our emotions and mind. We’re afraid of ourselves, full of self-doubt, afraid of the future, feeling guilty, berating ourselves for our “failures,” not trusting others, feeling alone and misunderstood. But none of this is sin. None of this is a character failing on our part. We’re the product of the abusive environment we are living in. Our feelings don’t originate in our sin. They originate in our husband’s sin against us. If you’ve been told you’re in sin, or you don’t have enough faith, when you’re having these feelings, that’s just another form of spiritual abuse.
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