There’s no doubt that communicating with a covert abuser is one of the most confusing things we deal with. All. Day. Long. I’m often asked, “How can I communicate with my narcissist husband?” To understand how, here’s what you need to understand about his goals in all conversations with you, and some guidelines and techniques to use.
Read MoreBoundaries are pretty much useless with abusers and they are not the “solution” that many advocates claim they are. We’re often told that boundaries are how to get our power back but, in fact, an abuser will use them to take our power away.
We all get the point where asking our husband or ex to do or not do something (ie. setting a boundary) just doesn’t work and they do whatever they want.
So what do we do?
Read MoreCognitive dissonance feels like living with two conflicting realities that switch back and forth. “He’s an abuser, no he’s not, he’s just hurt and means well,” “I’m right about this being abuse, no I’m not,” “Is it me or is it him?” “He’s so nice, why did I doubt him?” “I should leave, no I should stay,” Even, “I trust God, no I don’t.”
Cognitive Dissonance is often described as “reality switching” where conflicting thoughts and contradictory realities pop up but you’re plagued with such intense self-doubt, confusion, and fog from the abuse that you’re not able resolve anything. Remember, confusion is a SYMPTOM of covert abuse!
Read More“I miss him so much,” “I can’t go on without him,” “I can’t leave - it hurts too much to be apart.” These are all signs of a trauma bond, also called a betrayal bond.
Both trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance can be part of what keeps you or kept you trapped in an abusive marriage, or obsessing about it after you leave, and both are incredibly painful to deal with.
Read MoreWe took a fun humor break on my Confusion to Clarity Facebook page and here are the gems that were posted to the question “How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?”
Read MoreHow can I know when I "should" put others first and when is it OK to put myself "first"? How do I know if I’m being selfish? My ex-husband constantly told me I was selfish. And I feel guilty a lot. So what is selfish and what isn't?
Read MoreHere are many examples of the unhelpful advice that is cookie-cutter “marriage advice” that abused women get from counselors and friends who don’t understand abuse (and is pretty shallow even for a non-abusive marriage.)
If you hear this kind of advice, run the other direction, read my blog, and find help from someone who understands abuse!
Here are many examples of the stupid, unhelpful, and even dangerous advice that the Christian church and culture gives to abused women.
If you hear this kind of advice, run the other direction, read my blog, and find help from someone who understands abuse!
All of us have very complicated grief. We are grieving so much more than, for instance, the death of a loving spouse.
In addition to loss, we are also facing betrayal, confusion, trauma, fear about our future, the death of our dream, the shock of realizing who our husband is, self-doubt, wondering if we could have done things differently, and often not being believed or supported by others.
Another complication is that we are grieving two different people – the one we thought he was and the one he turned out to be, and the shattering betrayal that we’ve experienced from this.
How do we navigate these complexities and get through our grief? Or better yet, why won’t it just go away???
What do we do when we are brokenhearted and afraid for our kids who have turned away from God because of abuse?
Read MoreIn this article, I’m sharing some women’s positive experiences so you know what you should be expecting from your church and pastor.
If your church or pastor responds to you with anything less than support, love, concern, and offers of help, you have every right to find a church that will respond correctly.
If your church responds with spiritually abusive lies and demands, run in other direction as fast as you can! You deserve support and help.
Read MoreHow do you know when you are experiencing spiritual abuse by your church when going for help about an abusive marriage?
Survivors share some examples of spiritually abuse reactions, followed by some advice.
Read MoreBeing married to an abuser destroys our inner world in ways that we don’t even recognize while we are in it. Our perceptions of reality are changed. Even our perception of our ability to heal is warped. How? Read on.
Read MoreDid any of you naively think your husband would be amicable and cooperative when you split? If so what did you learn, and what would you do over again if you could know better?
Here are the answers from the psychological abuse survivors in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook group.
Read MoreRecently, in my Confusion to Clarity FB group for survivors, a woman posted, “Why did the narcissist cross the road…?” What followed was a fantastic thread of humor and truth. Here are some of the answers.
Read MoreI talk with so many women who are wondering how to heal from their abusive marriage. They feel lost, discouraged, exhausted, and sometimes even hopeless. Here are the most common barriers I see to true, deep healing.
Read MoreOur stories as abused women are hero’s stories. They are stories that most people don’t want to hear or acknowledge, but that doesn’t change the reality of their truth, or of who we are.
Read MoreAs Christian survivors of emotional and psychological abuse, when we realize that we must divorce our abusers because of their unwillingness to treat us with love like a decent human being should, we face the shattering of our lives as we know them and hoped they would be.
But when we go through a merciful, life-saving divorce, God supports our divorce and is there with us as we rebuild our lives.
I asked the abuse survivors in my Confusion to Clarity Facebook Community to share the benefits they’ve experienced because of their necessary divorce. Here are the ways they feel their life is better.
Read More“I’m out so why aren’t I happy? I thought I would feel better by now.” “I feel like something must be wrong with me.” “I have such anxiety about making a decision, being alone, not trusting myself, missing out on life, parenting.”
These are the pain-filled things I hear survivors say so often. And the worst part is that underneath the pain is the fear that they’re doing something wrong that’s keeping them from healing. We do everything we know to heal; we pray, we try to change our false beliefs and thoughts, we even go to counseling. And we find some relief. But down deep we’re still struggling.
After many years of being blamed for my suffering, I came to understand that I could hardly expect the church to know how to heal abuse when they barely even acknowledge it. We need a path to healing and the level of help that’s equal to to the level of injury.
Read MoreI hate that feeling of being triggered- the confusion, the depression, the anxiety, the inner conflict. Feeling so uncomfortable in your own skin. Wishing it would go away and there could be a bit of peace again. Most survivors can easily get triggered whether there’s a COVID quarantine going on or not. All it takes is seeing our ex, or an old friend who betrayed us and sided with our abuser. Or going to church. Or having our child act like our ex. Or hearing a song.
We don’t have to live that way.
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